Back in THIS post I talked about Brene Brown's amazing Ted talk "The Power of Vulnerability". This talk was life changing for me, I think everyone should listen to it!! I came across a follow-up talk she gave called "Listening to Shame" (link HERE). I had never really thought about the difference between guilt and shame until listening to her talk. I always thought they were one in the same, but now I realize that they are different. She talks about how we all have guilt ingrained in us, which is a good thing. If we didn't feel some degree of guilt we would not feel remorse for the mistakes we make in life. We would be emotionless and lack empathy for others. Pretty much the only people who don't feel guilt in one way or another are sociopaths. The problem is, well, guilt doesn't feel very good. It's a yucky feeling. It gives us that gross feeling in the pit of our stomachs. The other problem is that sometimes our guilt turns in to shame, and shame can be toxic.
She explains it well:
"Shame drives two big tapes -- "never good enough" and, if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is it's not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?" How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake."
Amazing! I also love how she explains shame from a woman's standpoint. I felt like she was talking about me!
"For women, shame is do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat......Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket."
I just love that. As I was doing research for this post I looked up "shame emotion" on google images and instantly discovered a common theme among the images. Here's a few examples, see if you can figure it out:
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Even the cute little polar bear does it....
There were two things I picked up on. The first one, obviously, is that each person is covering their eyes or hiding their faces, as if they don't want anyone to see them. Symbolically, they think that if they cover their face that others won't see what they see in themselves. I found that very interesting. The second one is that they are alone, isolated and lonely in their shame.
"If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too."
All I can say is, WOW. This concept has been so influential to me as an emerging counselor who is trying to improve her skills. So powerful!
So how do we get past shame? How do we experience guilt without allowing shame to define who we are? Let's first hear what Brene says about it:
"Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it, to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we're parenting, the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other."
Recognizing how shame plays a role in our lives is the first step in overcoming it. Many of us try to hide our personal shame, but it manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes we're not even aware of it. For some it may reveal itself through unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drugs/alcohol, overeating, self-harm (cutting), or other self-destructive (and sometimes addictive) behaviors. For others it could be covered up with anger or hostility. It can become evident through mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression. And for some it could be overcompensating for insecurities through a variety of different behaviors. Becoming self-aware and paying attention to our reactions in certain situations will help us to see how our own personal shame creeps in to our lives.
Another important step in overcoming shame is to train ourselves to think differently. We must learn, when we make a mistake, to differentiate the behavior from who we are. It should be "I did _________, which was a bad choice/behavior, but I am not bad" and not, "I did __________, so I am bad." We must pay attention to our own self-talk and challenge those negative thoughts when they occur.
When we feel shame we might have the tendency to want to isolate ourselves from others. But this is the last thing we should do. Just as Brene mentions in her talk, we should seek out connection with others and, even better, with others who can relate to our struggle.
The next important step is to realize that we are human. We all make mistakes. We need to learn to accept ourselves and to love ourselves for who we are. Of course we should strive to become better, to grow and to develop. But we must avoid beating ourselves up for being human. Instead of dwelling on our mistakes, we should take what we can learn from the situation, and then let it go. This is perhaps the most difficult part of the process. But once we are able to let our shame go, we can feel a sense of overwhelming peace and freedom.
