Expectations

(Can you tell I love quotes?)

I remember back in October of 2000 being SO excited for my 16th birthday....getting my drivers license, having a party that evening, it was going to be great.  I had an expectation in my mind of what it was going to be like before it even happened.  Then came my birthday.  And guess what?  It was a good day, better than most days.  I went to the DMV to get my license with my mom.  I got flowers delivered to me at school from my parents.  My close friends threw me a small party that night with a few of our friends.  And then it was over.  And sadly, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

I don't know exactly what I expected.  It's not like I expected my parents to pull up in the driveway with my dream car and a big red bow around it, or get a kiss from my latest crush, or have hundreds of people at my party.  It wasn't like that.  But for whatever reason, the build-up to that day in my mind didn't match what happened.

Expectations set us up for disappointment.  Of course when you expect something to be great, even if it ends up being okay or even good, you feel disappointed. This got me thinking about why we have expectations in the first place.  I think, for me, expectations are a way of coping with uncertainty and exercising some control.  It also gives me something to look forward to.  Those aren't necessarily bad things, but how do we prevent expectations from getting in the way of our happiness?  I've been trying to figure this out for myself for a while.  Especially in my marriage.  Because let's face it, expectations play a huge role in marriage.

I came up with three ways that I feel we can keep our expectations in check.

1. Be realistic.

There's two different ways that we need to be realistic about expectations in marriage.  The first is about "falling in love".  I came across THIS really good article that was going around on facebook called "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married" by Pop Chassid.  The title caught my eye, so I read through it.  It talks about how we have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is supposed to be like.  You "fall in love" with someone....can't stop thinking about them, get butterflies when you see them, spend all your waking hours with them, talk on the phone until 3 am, can't keep your hands off each other, etc.  (This time period usually involves overlooking all that person's faults, too).  You date that person, get married, and the first few months are wonderful.  You can't imagine life without that person!  Then a couple of years go by and reality sets in.  That "twidderpated" feeling wears off.  A few more years go by and suddenly you're thinking, "Who is this person I married?!  I don't love him/her anymore."  We think that maybe our spouse wasn't "the one" after all and maybe "the one" is still out there.  Well what REALLY happened is....you were never "in love" in the first place.  Love is so much more than that.  We get unrealistic expectations through movies or books or whatever that being happily married means that everything comes easily, that you never fight or have disagreements, that everyday is blissful.  When really, marriage is HARD. It takes A LOT of work.  A LOT of sacrifice.  A LOT of compromise.  And there are times when you might feel like you don't "love" that person anymore.  But "real" love means being committed to that person despite all those hard times.  It means putting up with all their faults and forgiving them when they make mistakes.  "Real" love is not glamorous.  It's exactly that....REAL. 

The next one is the expectations we have of our spouse.  A lot of the expectations we have of our spouse stem from watching our own parents' relationship.  Imagine a young man who grew up with a mom who always had dinner on the table when his dad got home from work.  Then he married a young woman whose mom worked full-time and didn't make dinner very often, if at all.  Her version of dinner is picking up a pizza on the way home.  You can imagine that there might be some difficulty in this relationship.  Or imagine a young woman who grew up with a father who was a great provider and did well financially.  Then she married a man who struggled financially and kept moving around from job to job.  Naturally the young woman would feel like her husband was not filling his "role" as a husband.  Not only should we not compare the expectations our parents had of each other to the expectations we have of our spouse (although it can be difficult not to), we also need to be realistic of what our spouse can do.  Maybe the young woman in the first example isn't a good cook or doesn't enjoy cooking.  We can't expect her to suddenly be a whiz in the kitchen.  Or maybe with the second couple, the wife can't expect the husband who struggles financially to suddenly become a millionaire.  We need to be realistic about the expectations we have for our spouse.  And we need to make sure they know what those expectations are.  That leads me to the next one.....    

2. Communicate.

I remember the first Valentine's Day after I got married. I was building up in my mind this amazing, romantic evening that my husband was going to plan for me.  The day came, aaaaand.....it didn't happen.  Not only is Valentine's Day my husband's birthday (which makes it a little complicated) but I had unrealistic expectations about what it would be like.  The silly thing about it is, I expected him to be a mind reader!  He didn't know what I wanted.  I've even heard girls say (and I'll admit I've been guilty of this before too), that "he should just know".  Yes, of course it's more romantic when a guy does something we don't expect and we don't have to ask.  But realistically, most guys are just normal guys who love their wives but aren't always savvy when it comes to romance.  I've had to learn over the years that I have to TELL my husband what I want.  And ever since I figured that out he's gotten better and better each year.

The same is especially true of the expectations husbands and wives have of each other when it comes to their roles in the home (as I touched on earlier).  I realized after years of marriage that one of the expectations I had of my husband was to be way more hands-on with chores around the house than what he was actually doing.  I EXPECTED HIM to know this, and after years of him not meeting that expectation, I became resentful.  It seems almost embarrassing now looking back at it.  I was getting mad about something he didn't even know!  Then one day we sat down together and wrote out what our expectations were of each other, and rated them on how important they were to us and the likelihood of our spouse being able to meet that expectation. Then once we knew what those expectations were, we started doing them.  Boy did our marriage improve!  It's amazing how something as simple as communicating improved our marriage exponentially.  

(I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!)

Then the next step is:

3. Be grateful.

We need to learn to be grateful for what we do have, so that we're not disappointed by unmet expectations.  Instead of thinking, "boy, my spouse didn't clean up the house as well as I would have liked him to" (or as well as you would have done it), we should think instead, "wow, I know my husband really hates cleaning and yet he worked really hard on this because he knows it's important to me.  I am so lucky."  It's amazing how that shift in perspective makes such a huge difference.  On my 16th birthday, instead of being disappointed, I should have thought, "my mom went out of her way to take me to get my license today and to send me flowers, and my friends planned this whole party just for me because they care about me....I must be really special."  We should think about what we have as always being BETTER than the alternative, not WORSE.    

Peaches

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time when people don't like me.  I am a big people-pleaser.  I'm not really sure why or what it stems from, but I've learned that about myself and it has had a big effect on who I am and my behavior. I have trouble with assertiveness and have been known to let perfect strangers walk all over me because I didn't want to offend them (how silly, huh?). I catch myself saying "sorry" a lot to people even when it's not my fault.  Even if it's the other person's fault.  Isn't that strange?!!  I've mentioned this in a previous post, but I've also seen this come up in my pursuit of becoming counselor (I even had a professor in my counseling program call me out on it during feedback I received after running a group). I have been working on this part of myself lately, striving to love myself for who I am and not to define myself by how others perceive me. I came across this gem below that had a profound effect on me:

It's a great reminder that no matter how hard you try, no matter how wonderful or awesome you may be, you may not be everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay.  You don't have to change who you are to please others.  You are who you are and nobody can change that.  We are all unique and that's what makes us special.  That's what keeps life interesting.  I'm striving to learn that lesson, and to be more confident in who I am as a person.  

Funny little ironic tidbit....my husband hates peaches, lol

Deeply Rooted Issues

My husband and I are approaching the 1 year mark of when we bought our house (hooray!).  I like to think that buying a fixer-upper house is like having another child.  It seriously feels like that sometimes.  I'm really proud of the work we've done on it but boy is it a lot of work!

Anyway....when we first bought our house there was a GINORMOUS tree in the backyard. I'm all for trees and shade and all the jazz but this tree was seriously toxic.  It had made a huge mess of the backyard.  The roots to this thing literally went the whole length of the backyard, so 40-50 feet long.  The roots were lifting up the cement to our carport, made it almost impossible to open the gate, and messed up the stairs to the deck. One of the roots even put a crack in the foundation!

(The pictures don't really give it justice)

So one of the first things we did when we bought the house is hired a company to come cut the tree down. That thing was a beast.  The guy who cut it down even said that he "under bid" us and that it was way harder than he expected.  About $3,500 dollars later (ouch) they had cut down the tree.  That also included grinding down the roots and leaving a mountain of mulch in it's wake (P.S. we have free mulch if anyone wants it....I'm totally serious).  We even had to use a jackhammer to break up some of the concrete so that the tree company could get to the roots.  Since then we've been trying to fix up the backyard (a slow, grueling process) and working to get the dirt ready to plant grass seed. This has required cleaning up a lot of junky stuff, tilling the dirt, etc.

(The tree company cutting it down last fall....it took about 3 days)

(This is just one little section of the tree!)

(What the roots looked like UNDER the concrete)

(This is the stump before they ground it down....you can see how long and deep the roots are!)

Just the other day my husband went out with some kind of pick-looking tool (not sure what it's called) and worked on tilling the dirt.  As he got started he realized that there are still more roots in the ground from that devil tree that we didn't see before.  He spent a lot of the morning digging the roots out so that we can get it prepared for grass.

(I really wish I could use a time machine and go back 30 years to tell the homeowners to cut down the tree now before it gets out of control!).

(Love my son's little hand poking out at the bottom, haha)

So here's the point of my post (I'm getting there, I promise):

As I stood on our back deck looking at the yard at the roots my husband had recently dug out, it got me thinking about counseling (my brain tends to automatically go there for some reason).  I was thinking about how roots are similar to psychological and emotional issues. That's why you sometimes hear people refer to them at "deeply-rooted" issues.  Most of our "issues" are buried under the surface, and sometimes we don't even know they are there, or at least we're not super aware of them.  For some of us those issues are small and with a little bit of work we can get them to the surface.  For others those issues are large and deeply-rooted, similar to our tree.  It's difficult to get them to the surface and unless we get them taken care of they can do a lot of damage. But I've realized that in order to become "healthy" again, and to allow good things (like grass) to grow, we have to get those buried issues up to the surface.  And sometimes it's A LOT of work.  And it's a long, slow process.  But as we get those issues out, we allow for something beautiful to take it's place.

(Insert "After" picture of beautiful backyard.....maybe next year *sigh*).    

Anxiety

Chances are if you are a human being you have experienced anxiety to some degree in your life.  People can experience everyday anxiety in a variety of different ways.  Anxiety in small doses can actually be a great motivator and enhance productivity.  It can help to push us out of our comfort zones a little bit, and helps to keep us safe.  But when anxiety becomes more frequent and intense, or interferes with daily functioning, it can be very debilitating.

The reason I decided to do a post on this subject is because I have personally struggled with anxiety (especially in the last year), and have sought out treatment for it.  I have developed so much more compassion and empathy for people who experience anxiety because of it. Unfortunately, anxiety, depression, and mental illness in general tend to have a stigma attached, which keeps a lot of people from getting help.  I came across a great article HERE that describes the connection between anxiety and depression (as it is very common for these to co-occur); here's a great quote from the article explaining this concept:

"....A pervasive perception remains that depression and anxiety stem from some mental weakness or inherent fault in a person's constitution.  People suffering from these disorders are hypersensitive to the world around them and often adapt misconceptions like these as their own.  They can be haunted by the familiar refrain, 'Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.'  The sense of inadequacy people can feel while dealing with a mental disorder further burdened by the notion that they are not even strong enough to rescue themselves...."

It goes on to say this (which is my favorite part):

"But by their very definitions, anxiety and depression are marked by incapacitation and a disruption in one's ability to cope.  Inadequacy is not a cause - it's a symptom." (emphasis added). 

I love that because I have personally felt that way myself.  Like, "why can't I just get over this?"  And by nature, many people who suffer from anxiety have the same mindset, which actually makes the anxiety worse. I have a strong desire to advocate for individuals with mental illness, and to help improve society's view on mental illness.  If someone had a physical illness, like a heart condition or cancer, they wouldn't hesitate to receive medical treatment.  How is mental illness any different?  It can be just as debilitating as an physical illness.  Anyway, I'll get off my soap box now. :)  

(Image found here)

Anxiety is caused by the brain's biological response to stress.  The interesting thing about anxiety is that the brain doesn't know the difference between a real or perceived threat (which means that a person experiencing a flashback of a traumatic experience can feel the same as if they are being attacked by a bear).  The brain responds to a "threat" by instigating the fight or flight response, which begins in the part of the brain called the Amygdala. The Amygdala releases a chemical that literally feels like someone shot you full of adrenaline.....blood starts pumping, palms get sweaty, heart starts beating faster, breathing gets more shallow, you get the picture.  (In my personal experience with anxiety, I also get a stomach ache in addition to these symptoms and sometimes even feel nauseous).  When this process becomes extreme it is indicative of a panic attack.  The other interesting thing about this response is that when the Amygdala becomes activated and releases chemicals throughout the body, it actually cuts off circulation to the part of the brain that helps you think clearly.  (That's why whenever I get in a heated argument with my husband I sound like a huge idiot and can't think of anything witty to say, haha). It would make sense then that when an individual has anxiety it is difficult for them to think rationally and realize that everything is going to be okay.

There is something really simple and easy that helps calm down this process and gets the brain thinking more clearly again.  You know what it is??  Oxygen. Taking a few deep breaths sends oxygen back to the brain and regulates things.  This is something that I do now when I catch myself getting anxious.  I stop what I'm doing, sit down comfortably, take a deep breath through the nose, hold it for a few seconds, release it slowly through the mouth, and then repeat this 3-4 times.  Now I'm not saying that just taking a few deep breaths will "cure" anxiety (because there are usually deeper underlying issues that trigger anxiety, which can be worked through in counseling), but it can help someone who is experiencing an anxiety episode to get back in control.

Here's some interesting statistics related to anxiety:

• Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States (reference here).
• According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), about 40 million Americans (ages 18 and older) are affected by anxiety disorders each year. Women are 60% more likely than men to suffer from anxiety (reference here).
• Only about one-third of individuals suffering with anxiety receive treatment, even though it is highly treatable (reference here).
• According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), anxiety disorders can be "severely impairing" and can negatively impact an individual's personal relationships and ability to work or study (reference here).

Anxiety is way more common than we think, and many people live with it without receiving help. I guess my message for this blog post is, if you suffer from anxiety, you are not alone. You should not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.  Going to counseling and receiving help can drastically improve anxiety.  I wish I could shout from the rooftops that there is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking out counseling!!!  It does not make you weak, it means you are strong.  It has personally helped me so much.  The other thing that has helped me with anxiety is taking better care of myself and making myself a priority.  I am learning (through this whole quest for balance) that we cannot feel guilty for taking care of ourselves and pampering ourselves once in a while.  In fact, it is necessary!!! There's this thing called 'Mommy Guilt' (I'm sure most of you mom's out there know what this is, it is brutal) which has made it difficult for me in the past to feel that I can do things for myself because it usually means taking time away from my kids.  But I have learned that I am actually doing my children a disservice by NOT taking care of myself! When I am anxious I am usually more irritable, quicker to lose my temper, and lacking patience.  When I have too much anxiety I also tend to shut down and even get depressed.  Taking a little time for myself helps me to be a better mommy.  I'll be doing a separate post on healthy coping skills later, but this also plays a huge part in helping with anxiety.

If you are interested in learning more about anxiety, here's some good websites to check out:

The American Psychiatric Association (APA): http://www.psychiatry.org/anxiety-disorders
Anxiety & Depression Association of America: http://www.adaa.org/
National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml
National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=142543

I would like to point out that there are some people who have anxiety and others who have actual anxiety disorders (such as generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, phobias, etc)....here is a link to the APA's website for more information on anxiety disorders: www.psych.org.

HERE is a website I came across that differentiates between everyday anxiety and anxiety disorders.

Vulnerability

"To love is to be vulnerable."

-C.S. Lewis

A few weeks back I had to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled.  Not my favorite thing in the world to do, but necessary nonetheless.  Thankfully, dentists have this wonderful thing they can shoot in to our gums to make us numb so that we can't feel the pain of getting the tooth drilled and fixed.  Then after a few hours the numbness wears off and while we might be a little sore after, we don't feel much pain.  It got me thinking, wouldn't it be nice if we could just numb ourselves from all pain in life??  (I'm being facetious). Well there are ways that we numb ourselves in life from emotional pain.  Lots of ways actually.  For some it's drugs or alcohol.  For others it could be overeating or overspending.  Gambling. Watching excessive amounts of television or playing video games for hours on end.  The list goes on.  Now I'm not saying that these things are all bad (with the exception of drugs), as long as they are done in moderation.  But when it gets to the point where we are doing these things to numb ourselves, then it has become unhealthy.  We numb ourselves from feeling emotional pain and to protect ourselves from getting hurt, because otherwise we would be allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.     

When I think of vulnerability, I think of children.  Children are some of the most genuine creatures on earth because they are so willing to be vulnerable.  Children love others with their whole hearts and are very forgiving.  They are trusting of others.  They take the time to enjoy life, to be in the moment.  Then somewhere along the line they become adults and a lot of this stops. I think many of us start out being vulnerable as children and then over time we get hurt by others or just life in general and we slowly start to build up a wall.  For some that wall is thicker and higher than for others, depending on our experiences.  Or we walk around wearing a symbolic suit of armor to protect ourselves from getting hurt in the future.  Of course children don't always understand that not all people can be trusted and as adults we often have to protect them for those kinds of people.  But I also think we can learn a lot from children in this regard.

Someone recommended THIS Ted talk to me called "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown that I think is fabulous.  It's about 20 minutes long but it is totally worth your time.  Seriously, you must watch it!!!  Stop reading and go watch it.  It will change your life.  She is an expert on vulnerability and has actually done tons of research on how important vulnerability is in our relationships. When we numb ourselves, although we can protect ourselves from feeling pain, we also prevent ourselves from feeling the great things in life too. Brene Brown said the following about this very thing:

".....We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.  The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion.  You can't say, here's the bad stuff.  Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment.  I don't want to feel these.  I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.....You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions.....So when you numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.  And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.  And it becomes a dangerous cycle." 

(see Ted talk link above for reference).

(I LOVE Brene Brown, she is so awesome....next book on my wish list, her book Daring Greatly)

Now I'm not saying go out and get a root canal without anesthetic....that would be ridiculous!  But I am saying that we should all take risks once in a while.  Let others see parts of ourselves that we're often too afraid to show (and I don't mean go out flashing people, lol!).  Odds are if you start to open yourself up a little bit, others will too.  And it will be amazing how this will affect the quality of your relationships.  There is also a chance that there are going to be those people who will still hurt you when you open yourself up to them.  It's just a reality.  But kudos to you for putting yourself out there and taking that risk.  (And try to keep in mind that they've probably been hurt too).  This concept reminds of the 2009 movie "He's Just Not That In To You" (cute movie, I recommend it).  At the end of a party, Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) goes out on a limb and kisses Alex (Justin Long), only to be rejected afterwards.  Alex gives her a hard time for always putting herself out there just to be hurt by men, and she says something so profound.  She says, "I'd rather be like that than be like you.  I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much, but at least that means I still care.....you may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way either.  You have not won, you're alone Alex.  I may do a lot of stupid shit but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are."  Isn't that awesome??  I just love it!  She hit the nail right on the head.  By not allowing yourself to be vulnerable you may prevent yourself from being hurt by others, but you also prevent yourself from experiencing life to the fullest.

Now the next question is: how do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable?  What does it actually look like?  I'll let Brene answer this since she says it so well (this is another excerpt from that same Ted talk):

"To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?  Can I believe in this this passionately?  Can I be this fierce about this?"  Just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."  And at last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough.  Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."

Isn't that beautiful?!  I'm going to start working towards being more vulnerable in my relationships, and I hope you will too.

In doing research for this post I came across this "badge" (below) that I'm going to put on my side bar as a reminder to always strive to be authentic and genuine with others (found it here....there's also a great interview Brene did with Oprah found at that link):