Expectations

(Can you tell I love quotes?)

I remember back in October of 2000 being SO excited for my 16th birthday....getting my drivers license, having a party that evening, it was going to be great.  I had an expectation in my mind of what it was going to be like before it even happened.  Then came my birthday.  And guess what?  It was a good day, better than most days.  I went to the DMV to get my license with my mom.  I got flowers delivered to me at school from my parents.  My close friends threw me a small party that night with a few of our friends.  And then it was over.  And sadly, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

I don't know exactly what I expected.  It's not like I expected my parents to pull up in the driveway with my dream car and a big red bow around it, or get a kiss from my latest crush, or have hundreds of people at my party.  It wasn't like that.  But for whatever reason, the build-up to that day in my mind didn't match what happened.

Expectations set us up for disappointment.  Of course when you expect something to be great, even if it ends up being okay or even good, you feel disappointed. This got me thinking about why we have expectations in the first place.  I think, for me, expectations are a way of coping with uncertainty and exercising some control.  It also gives me something to look forward to.  Those aren't necessarily bad things, but how do we prevent expectations from getting in the way of our happiness?  I've been trying to figure this out for myself for a while.  Especially in my marriage.  Because let's face it, expectations play a huge role in marriage.

I came up with three ways that I feel we can keep our expectations in check.

1. Be realistic.

There's two different ways that we need to be realistic about expectations in marriage.  The first is about "falling in love".  I came across THIS really good article that was going around on facebook called "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married" by Pop Chassid.  The title caught my eye, so I read through it.  It talks about how we have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is supposed to be like.  You "fall in love" with someone....can't stop thinking about them, get butterflies when you see them, spend all your waking hours with them, talk on the phone until 3 am, can't keep your hands off each other, etc.  (This time period usually involves overlooking all that person's faults, too).  You date that person, get married, and the first few months are wonderful.  You can't imagine life without that person!  Then a couple of years go by and reality sets in.  That "twidderpated" feeling wears off.  A few more years go by and suddenly you're thinking, "Who is this person I married?!  I don't love him/her anymore."  We think that maybe our spouse wasn't "the one" after all and maybe "the one" is still out there.  Well what REALLY happened is....you were never "in love" in the first place.  Love is so much more than that.  We get unrealistic expectations through movies or books or whatever that being happily married means that everything comes easily, that you never fight or have disagreements, that everyday is blissful.  When really, marriage is HARD. It takes A LOT of work.  A LOT of sacrifice.  A LOT of compromise.  And there are times when you might feel like you don't "love" that person anymore.  But "real" love means being committed to that person despite all those hard times.  It means putting up with all their faults and forgiving them when they make mistakes.  "Real" love is not glamorous.  It's exactly that....REAL. 

The next one is the expectations we have of our spouse.  A lot of the expectations we have of our spouse stem from watching our own parents' relationship.  Imagine a young man who grew up with a mom who always had dinner on the table when his dad got home from work.  Then he married a young woman whose mom worked full-time and didn't make dinner very often, if at all.  Her version of dinner is picking up a pizza on the way home.  You can imagine that there might be some difficulty in this relationship.  Or imagine a young woman who grew up with a father who was a great provider and did well financially.  Then she married a man who struggled financially and kept moving around from job to job.  Naturally the young woman would feel like her husband was not filling his "role" as a husband.  Not only should we not compare the expectations our parents had of each other to the expectations we have of our spouse (although it can be difficult not to), we also need to be realistic of what our spouse can do.  Maybe the young woman in the first example isn't a good cook or doesn't enjoy cooking.  We can't expect her to suddenly be a whiz in the kitchen.  Or maybe with the second couple, the wife can't expect the husband who struggles financially to suddenly become a millionaire.  We need to be realistic about the expectations we have for our spouse.  And we need to make sure they know what those expectations are.  That leads me to the next one.....    

2. Communicate.

I remember the first Valentine's Day after I got married. I was building up in my mind this amazing, romantic evening that my husband was going to plan for me.  The day came, aaaaand.....it didn't happen.  Not only is Valentine's Day my husband's birthday (which makes it a little complicated) but I had unrealistic expectations about what it would be like.  The silly thing about it is, I expected him to be a mind reader!  He didn't know what I wanted.  I've even heard girls say (and I'll admit I've been guilty of this before too), that "he should just know".  Yes, of course it's more romantic when a guy does something we don't expect and we don't have to ask.  But realistically, most guys are just normal guys who love their wives but aren't always savvy when it comes to romance.  I've had to learn over the years that I have to TELL my husband what I want.  And ever since I figured that out he's gotten better and better each year.

The same is especially true of the expectations husbands and wives have of each other when it comes to their roles in the home (as I touched on earlier).  I realized after years of marriage that one of the expectations I had of my husband was to be way more hands-on with chores around the house than what he was actually doing.  I EXPECTED HIM to know this, and after years of him not meeting that expectation, I became resentful.  It seems almost embarrassing now looking back at it.  I was getting mad about something he didn't even know!  Then one day we sat down together and wrote out what our expectations were of each other, and rated them on how important they were to us and the likelihood of our spouse being able to meet that expectation. Then once we knew what those expectations were, we started doing them.  Boy did our marriage improve!  It's amazing how something as simple as communicating improved our marriage exponentially.  

(I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!)

Then the next step is:

3. Be grateful.

We need to learn to be grateful for what we do have, so that we're not disappointed by unmet expectations.  Instead of thinking, "boy, my spouse didn't clean up the house as well as I would have liked him to" (or as well as you would have done it), we should think instead, "wow, I know my husband really hates cleaning and yet he worked really hard on this because he knows it's important to me.  I am so lucky."  It's amazing how that shift in perspective makes such a huge difference.  On my 16th birthday, instead of being disappointed, I should have thought, "my mom went out of her way to take me to get my license today and to send me flowers, and my friends planned this whole party just for me because they care about me....I must be really special."  We should think about what we have as always being BETTER than the alternative, not WORSE.    

So Small

The other night I was trying to remember the name of a Carrie Underwood song and ended up spending about an hour listening to a bunch of her songs on you tube.  She is one of my favorite singers and is so talented!  I came across this song that I've heard many times and known for a while but for some reason on this particular night I decided to read the lyrics.  Maybe it was my daughter starting Kindergarten or my baby turning 3 later this week but I've been pretty emotional and this song caused the flood gates to open....

  (Click on the title to listen to the song on you tube)

"So Small"

By Carrie Underwood 

What you got if you ain't got love?

The kind that you just wanna give away

It's okay to open up

Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day

You wanna shut the world out

And just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And when you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside

A problem that seems so big at the time

It's like a river that's so wide

It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change

And worrying about all the wrong things

Time's flying by, moving so fast

You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And then you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Oh, it sure makes everything else

Seem so small

This song really has so much meaning to me, especially with some of the struggles I've gone through over the last few months.  {I bolded some of my favorite parts}. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of life and lose sight of what's really important. It's also easy to let things that really aren't that important to get in the way of what is.  I love songs like this that help me to keep that perspective.

Love This

A great reminder!

Be Real

I recently started reading the blog Single Dad Laughing.  The writer, Dan Pearce, shares his life experiences and insights on a variety of interesting topics, including his failed marriages, fatherhood, religion, etc.  I've been going through and reading his "All Time Top Posts" (there are so many good ones) and I came across one called "The Disease of Perfection".  It pretty much left me in tears.    

He talks about the tendency we have in society to strive for perfection and to portray ourselves as perfect to others when we all know that perfection doesn't exist. The problem with striving for perfection is that when we inevitably fall short we are extremely hard on ourselves.  Sometimes we even give up on trying.  We often have an "all or nothing" attitude about our imperfections.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about some of the issues I personally struggle with, one being the tendency to compare myself to others. I am especially bad at this when it comes to seeing other mom's. I constantly catch myself thinking things like, "Oh she's so perfect, she has the perfect body and her house is always clean and her kids are so well-behaved" and blah blah blah.  Then I look at my own life and how insecure I am about my body and how my house is always a mess and how my kids can be so naughty and frustrating sometimes and how I lose my temper way too much. Then I get depressed and down on myself.  Or I get anxious about needing to lose weight or stress about having a clean house or stay awake at night worrying about my kids and whether or not I am raising them right.  And then I'm miserable.

I think this has gotten even worse with the increased popularity and availability of social networking sites and blogs.  We all put our best foot forward, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it causes us to compare ourselves to one another. It makes us think that everyone else is perfect, when the truth is, no one is. And yet we think we're alone in our struggles. The other problem is how easily we all judge each other without knowing the whole story.  And I will admit, I have been guilty of that too.  But thankfully because of different experiences I have had the last few years, I have developed a lot more empathy and understanding for people who I may have judged previously because now I know what it's like.  And it gave me a big ol' slice of humble pie. The tendency we have to judge each other just makes the quest for perfection even worse because we don't want anyone to judge us. It's a vicious cycle!  

Here is an excerpt from Single Dad Laughing's post:

"We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. 'Perfection' is much different than perfectionism.....'Perfection' is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you’re infected, at least to some degree. The good news is, there is a cure.

Be real.

Embrace that you have weaknesses. Because everyone does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody’s is. Embrace that you have things you can’t control. We all have a list of them."

I've decided that from here on out I'm going to strive to Be Real in my relationships. To be honest with myself and others about my shortcomings, to have a non-judgmental attitude, to STOP comparing myself to others and STOP caring so much about what other people think.  If you are reading this and we are friends, I want you to know that you can be real with me too.  And I won't judge you. If anything, it will probably make us even closer as friends.

I'm also going to remember to.....

There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve and become better.  The key is to remember that perfection doesn't exist and instead we should seek to progress.  To try and be a little bit better everyday. And if at times we fall short, that's okay.  We'll try again tomorrow.  As we strive to be more real in our relationships, I have a feeling that others will start to feel like they can be more real too.  And this can take our relationships to a deeper, more meaningful level.

As a way of striving to be more real in my life, I've decided that I will do a periodic blog post on some of the ways that I am imperfect in my life. Its scary and a little embarrassing to think about, but hopefully it will help me to come to terms more with my own shortcomings, and to realize that it's okay. And hopefully showing a little bit of vulnerability will help you (the three people that read this blog, lol) to feel better about your shortcomings too. For this first post I will share a picture of a very embarrassing part of my house that I try to keep hidden at all costs. No matter how much I try and no matter how many times we move, I always have one of these in my house.  We call it "The Scary Pile".  

It's basically that place where all of the odds-and-ends accumulate.  If you're not sure where to put it, it goes there.  Every so often it gets bad enough that we (my husband or I) go through and clean it out and it's clean for about 3 minutes.  But then it inevitably piles up again. *Sigh*

Here's to keepin' it real!

Change

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

-Neale Donald Walsch

The other night as my husband and I were going to bed, I started thinking about a big milestone that was coming up in a couple of weeks......my daughter (our oldest child) starting Kindergarten.  I started thinking about my little baby all grown up, getting on the bus with her Hello Kitty backpack, going to school with a bunch of kids she doesn't know, trusting her with some teacher I know hardly anything about, not knowing whether kids will be nice to her or if she will make friends or if she will be okay, along with a hundred other worries.  I rolled over on my side away from my husband and quietly started crying.  My husband realized I was crying (probably retracing the last few minutes in his mind to figure out whether he had said/done something to cause it) and we had a good talk about it.

I talked about my concerns and cried while he talked me down and helped me to see that she was going to be okay, that this was an exciting time and that she was going to love it.  I don't doubt that she will....she is very bright and social and I absolutely think she will LOVE school.  But no matter how you slice it, change is hard.  It is uncomfortable and at times, painful.  And at some point, we have to let go.  

(On a side note, my husband brought up to my daughter the next morning how mommy was sad that she was growing up and going off to Kindergarten, and apparently she got this confused look on her face and asked, "Why?"  He explained to her that sometimes mommy's and daddy's get a little sad when they see their kids grow up and she said, "Well THAT'S silly! I have to grow up!" I'm sure one day when she has a child of her own she will understand. :))  

This experience got me thinking about change and why it's so hard.  It's because doing what is familiar feels comfortable, comes naturally, and is easy.  We don't have to think too much about it.  It feels safe.  We can count on it.  Change makes us feel uncertain and vulnerable. With change we often don't know what the future holds, which can be downright scary.  But familiar can also become boring.  Monotonous. If we never change or strive to become better, we're left feeling stagnant.  We have to push ourselves out of our comfort zones every so often, because when we do, something beautiful happens. We become better.  We see things in a new light.  We become better versions of ourselves.

Some changes in life are positive.  I recently lost about 25 lbs, and while the process of losing weight was difficult, it has been an overall positive experience.  I feel better about myself, have more energy, my clothes fit better, etc.  But then there are negative life changes.  Like the loss of a loved one, going through a divorce, the loss of a job. It would be difficult to see these kinds of situations in any kind of positive light.  But I personally believe that regardless of whether it is an unwanted or negative change, these experiences are some of our most poignant opportunities for growth.  That through difficult times, we can develop parts of ourselves that we didn't even know were there, and become stronger for it.
   
Of course too much change isn't necessarily a good thing either (isn't it amazing how the concept of balance applies in so many different situations??).  Too much change in life can be chaotic. We need a certain degree of stability and routine in our lives, and we have to determine that healthy balance for ourselves.  But I think for the most part, we tend to err on the side of avoiding change rather than changing too much.  So for those of us who resist change or have a difficult time letting go, here is a wonderful quote I came across:

So in a couple of short weeks I'm going to put on my big girl pants, get my daughter ready for her first day of school, take pictures of her in her first-day-of-school outfit, see her off to the bus, and then run in the house and bawl my eyes out.  I'll count down the minutes until she comes home, wishing I was a fly on the wall in that classroom.  But then at the end of the day I'll get to see her come off the bus and ask her all about her first day and see the special art project that she made that day.  I get to witness her transformation over the school year, like a flower blossoming.  I get to watch her handwriting improve and her recognize the letters of the alphabet and who knows, maybe even see her read.  We'll get to look back at the end of the year and see how much she has grown.  

And honestly, I don't think my heart will be able to contain the joy and pride I will have for my beautiful, ever-changing daughter.      

Parenting is like, really hard

(LOL)

I came across THIS blog post from the blog "Short Stop" that I absolutely love.  Please take the time to read it, especially if you are a parent to young children.  Seriously, I'll wait for you to read it.  Go ahead....:)


Read it?  Okay good.


She pretty much validated a lot of the feelings I have been having lately about motherhood. I have two children, ages 5 and 2 (and three-fourths.....turning 3 next month), and to be completely honest I feel pretty overwhelmed most of the time.  I lose my temper too much, run out of patience by about 4 o'clock everyday, and sometimes just want to cry out of exhaustion and frustration.  Now this does NOT mean that I don't love my kids with all of my heart or regret having kids.  Because I would not change this for the world. They bring me more joy than I ever could have imagined.  And I do want more kids (eventually).  I also realize there are plenty of people out there who can't have children, so I don't want to come across as ungrateful for the chance I do have to be a mother.  But parenting is HARD sometimes.  Actually not sometimes, most of the the time.  

After I gave birth to my second I had a hard time adjusting. My daughter was 2 and-a-half, which is a pretty good span between kids, but she was still in diapers for a few months and although she is a pretty good child it was still difficult. My son was born in September right at the beginning of cold and flu season.  And he got sick A LOT.  Like he seriously had either a cold or some kind of stomach virus from October through May.  He slept in his swing for weeks at a time because he was too congested.  He was also a pretty colicky baby and did the "purple crying thing" for 2-3 hours every night for a couple of months.  As he's gotten older certain things have gotten easier but then we traded for new challenges. I've had numerous people tell me that he is the busiest kid they have ever seen (and I have to agree).  He has since been my child that has been to the ER (at 5 months old....very traumatic), almost drowned (twice), gotten lost at Sea World, locked me out of the house, covers himself in diaper rash cream (whilst I am locked out of the house), almost been hit by a car, has been found on TOP of the car, colored on walls, threw toys in the toilet, climbs on EVERYTHING, likes to hit, bite, pinch, scratch, slap and pretty much any other form of aggression that you can think of, etc etc etc. There are times where I can't even IMAGINE having another one.  And then I start comparing myself to other mom's who have 3, 4, 5+ kids and think, "I should be doing a better job because these other mom's who have more kids than me seem to have it all together" or "I must not be a good mom since I can't seem to handle 'just two' kids".  I think I even had a bit of an identity crisis after I had my second because all I've ever wanted to be is a mom and yet I couldn't seem to handle it so maybe I'm not cut out for it.  I even went back to graduate school thinking maybe I'd be better off as a working mom (there were other reasons why I decided to go back to school, but that was part of it).  As my second has gotten older I have started feeling the pressure to have another one, mostly because of the culture around where we live (predominantly LDS, people have lots of kids, etc).  But I've started to come to terms with the fact that I am a unique person, that just because I don't have my kids every two-and-a-half years and enjoy every second of it that I'm not a bad mom.  And that I don't have to feel pressured to have all my kids by the time I turn 30.  And this blog post hit the nail on the head.    

I especially loved this part:

"You will find your way. Your way. Not your Mom's way. Not Granny's way. Not pushy Aunt Bertie's way. 

Your way. What worked for your mom, Granny, and Aunt Bertie may simply not work for you. I LOVE hearing the wisdom and experiences from the older women in my life, but I HAVE to sift through their advice and experiences and choices to find what really helps me and what doesn't. Not only are children all different, but mothers are different. We tick and tock to different beats - some of us slower and some on hyperspeed, some on schedules and some just wingin' it. (I'm the latter, Lord help me.) As you get to know your children and build your home life, you will find what works for you. You will. And, letting go of the expectations of others is a BIG part of that. Pull what works for you. Respectfully let go of the rest."      

I realized that I need to STOP COMPARING myself to other mom's.  That I am a unique individual and that even though I don't know what the H-E-double hockey sticks I'm doing most of the time, I am still a GOOD MOM.

Thank you "Short Stop" for helping me to see that.

Mindfulness

Have you ever driven somewhere and when you got there you don't remember how you got there?  I do this quite often (especially when I drive home in the mornings from a night shift....scary thought, huh?).  Our lives are so busy and we're constantly distracted by this, that and the other. I've been doing research on mindfulness, which is the concept of striving towards self-awareness and being in the moment.  Mindfulness stems from the Buddhist practice of meditation, and is meant to be part of the process of calming oneself and finding peace.  I was first introduced to mindfulness, interestingly enough, in my Addictions class.  We were required to obtain and read the book Taking the Leap by Pema Chodron, a famous Buddhist and renowned author.  During that semester we were also required to practice regular meditation and discuss the process with our class members. Mindfulness is used as a therapeutic tool in treating a variety of different ailments, including anxiety, depression, addiction, and eating disorders.  It can be applied to all different parts of our lives, from improving our minds, body's, relationships, home life, work, etc.  Practicing mindfulness has personally helped me to keep a better perspective on life in general.

Being mindful is being aware of where you are in the present, enjoying the present moment, and not worrying too much about what comes next.  I think this takes practice and work.  I have always been a planner for as long as I can remember.  I like to know what is coming next, what my plans are that day, tomorrow, next week, and in five years.  I like to make lists of what I need to get done and I feel "accomplished" when I cross things off my list.  I guess it's my way of coping with life.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is if you never enjoy where you are at in the moment.

Something I have been trying to do lately is to be more mindful of my emotions.  If a situation comes up where I have a negative emotional reaction to something, whether it's anger, sadness, frustration, etc, I try to stop and think, "WHY am I having this reaction?  What is it about this situation that is triggering this response in me?"  I think we have the tendency, especially in our relationships, to blame the other person for an emotional reaction we have.  I constantly catch myself saying "You made me feel ___________ when you said/did this" when really, no one can MAKE us feel anything.  It's our decision how we react to something.  Instead I've tried to think, "what is it about ME that is causing me to have this reaction?"  Trying to adjust my thinking in this regard has really helped me to learn a lot more about myself and address some of my own personal issues.  I think mindfulness plays a huge part in this.  In Pema Chodron's book, she actually encourages readers to "lean in" to the discomfort of whatever it is we are experiencing instead of avoiding it or blaming it on outside sources, and to stay with it.

 I loved this quote from the book (p. 55):

"The next time you lose heart and you can't bear to experience what you're feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in.  Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weaknesses, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves.  This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering - yours, mine, and that of all living beings."

(Pema Chodron, Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears)

(Love this)
   

I really want to start incorporating more mindfulness in to my daily life.  This whole process of mindfulness and learning to live in the moment is just that....a process.  With time and practice it will come a little bit easier. In the meantime I am going to strive to be more present, to really see my children more, and to be more aware.  I'm learning to just shut my brain off, to stop over-thinking things, and to just BE.  I think practicing mindfulness will really help me in my quest for finding balance in life.

Here's a few good websites I came across on mindfulness in case you are interested in learning more:          

http://www.mindful.org/about-mindful/welcome-to-mindful-magazine-and-mindful-org?gclid=CK660t2Y4rgCFalAMgodKy8Adg

http://www.mindfulness.com/

http://mindfulbalance.org/tag/pema-chodron/

Truth

A friend shared this on facebook and it really hit home for me.  It seems like such a simple concept and yet it's easier said than done.  The real challenge is figuring out how to do it....

I'll being doing a separate post on mindfulness, which I think is key in learning to live in the present. Stay tuned! :)

Anxiety

Chances are if you are a human being you have experienced anxiety to some degree in your life.  People can experience everyday anxiety in a variety of different ways.  Anxiety in small doses can actually be a great motivator and enhance productivity.  It can help to push us out of our comfort zones a little bit, and helps to keep us safe.  But when anxiety becomes more frequent and intense, or interferes with daily functioning, it can be very debilitating.

The reason I decided to do a post on this subject is because I have personally struggled with anxiety (especially in the last year), and have sought out treatment for it.  I have developed so much more compassion and empathy for people who experience anxiety because of it. Unfortunately, anxiety, depression, and mental illness in general tend to have a stigma attached, which keeps a lot of people from getting help.  I came across a great article HERE that describes the connection between anxiety and depression (as it is very common for these to co-occur); here's a great quote from the article explaining this concept:

"....A pervasive perception remains that depression and anxiety stem from some mental weakness or inherent fault in a person's constitution.  People suffering from these disorders are hypersensitive to the world around them and often adapt misconceptions like these as their own.  They can be haunted by the familiar refrain, 'Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.'  The sense of inadequacy people can feel while dealing with a mental disorder further burdened by the notion that they are not even strong enough to rescue themselves...."

It goes on to say this (which is my favorite part):

"But by their very definitions, anxiety and depression are marked by incapacitation and a disruption in one's ability to cope.  Inadequacy is not a cause - it's a symptom." (emphasis added). 

I love that because I have personally felt that way myself.  Like, "why can't I just get over this?"  And by nature, many people who suffer from anxiety have the same mindset, which actually makes the anxiety worse. I have a strong desire to advocate for individuals with mental illness, and to help improve society's view on mental illness.  If someone had a physical illness, like a heart condition or cancer, they wouldn't hesitate to receive medical treatment.  How is mental illness any different?  It can be just as debilitating as an physical illness.  Anyway, I'll get off my soap box now. :)  

(Image found here)

Anxiety is caused by the brain's biological response to stress.  The interesting thing about anxiety is that the brain doesn't know the difference between a real or perceived threat (which means that a person experiencing a flashback of a traumatic experience can feel the same as if they are being attacked by a bear).  The brain responds to a "threat" by instigating the fight or flight response, which begins in the part of the brain called the Amygdala. The Amygdala releases a chemical that literally feels like someone shot you full of adrenaline.....blood starts pumping, palms get sweaty, heart starts beating faster, breathing gets more shallow, you get the picture.  (In my personal experience with anxiety, I also get a stomach ache in addition to these symptoms and sometimes even feel nauseous).  When this process becomes extreme it is indicative of a panic attack.  The other interesting thing about this response is that when the Amygdala becomes activated and releases chemicals throughout the body, it actually cuts off circulation to the part of the brain that helps you think clearly.  (That's why whenever I get in a heated argument with my husband I sound like a huge idiot and can't think of anything witty to say, haha). It would make sense then that when an individual has anxiety it is difficult for them to think rationally and realize that everything is going to be okay.

There is something really simple and easy that helps calm down this process and gets the brain thinking more clearly again.  You know what it is??  Oxygen. Taking a few deep breaths sends oxygen back to the brain and regulates things.  This is something that I do now when I catch myself getting anxious.  I stop what I'm doing, sit down comfortably, take a deep breath through the nose, hold it for a few seconds, release it slowly through the mouth, and then repeat this 3-4 times.  Now I'm not saying that just taking a few deep breaths will "cure" anxiety (because there are usually deeper underlying issues that trigger anxiety, which can be worked through in counseling), but it can help someone who is experiencing an anxiety episode to get back in control.

Here's some interesting statistics related to anxiety:

• Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States (reference here).
• According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), about 40 million Americans (ages 18 and older) are affected by anxiety disorders each year. Women are 60% more likely than men to suffer from anxiety (reference here).
• Only about one-third of individuals suffering with anxiety receive treatment, even though it is highly treatable (reference here).
• According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), anxiety disorders can be "severely impairing" and can negatively impact an individual's personal relationships and ability to work or study (reference here).

Anxiety is way more common than we think, and many people live with it without receiving help. I guess my message for this blog post is, if you suffer from anxiety, you are not alone. You should not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.  Going to counseling and receiving help can drastically improve anxiety.  I wish I could shout from the rooftops that there is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking out counseling!!!  It does not make you weak, it means you are strong.  It has personally helped me so much.  The other thing that has helped me with anxiety is taking better care of myself and making myself a priority.  I am learning (through this whole quest for balance) that we cannot feel guilty for taking care of ourselves and pampering ourselves once in a while.  In fact, it is necessary!!! There's this thing called 'Mommy Guilt' (I'm sure most of you mom's out there know what this is, it is brutal) which has made it difficult for me in the past to feel that I can do things for myself because it usually means taking time away from my kids.  But I have learned that I am actually doing my children a disservice by NOT taking care of myself! When I am anxious I am usually more irritable, quicker to lose my temper, and lacking patience.  When I have too much anxiety I also tend to shut down and even get depressed.  Taking a little time for myself helps me to be a better mommy.  I'll be doing a separate post on healthy coping skills later, but this also plays a huge part in helping with anxiety.

If you are interested in learning more about anxiety, here's some good websites to check out:

The American Psychiatric Association (APA): http://www.psychiatry.org/anxiety-disorders
Anxiety & Depression Association of America: http://www.adaa.org/
National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml
National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=142543

I would like to point out that there are some people who have anxiety and others who have actual anxiety disorders (such as generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, phobias, etc)....here is a link to the APA's website for more information on anxiety disorders: www.psych.org.

HERE is a website I came across that differentiates between everyday anxiety and anxiety disorders.

Balance - Breathe - Love

One of my oldest and dearest friends makes her own custom jewelry and I decided to have her make a piece for me!  I asked her to incorporate the word "Balance" since it is something that I am working towards in life and this is what she came up with....I absolutely love it!  I am so excited to wear it and to be reminded of that quest.  If you are interested in seeing her jewelry or having her design a custom piece for you, go HERE to see her facebook page.  

A Closer Look at B-A-L-A-N-C-E

**I originally published this post on my family blog back in April of 2013 before I decided to start this new blog.  I thought that this post would be better suited in this blog.  Forgive me if it is a little repetitive from the last post since I wrote them months apart from each other.   

The concept of finding balance has been popping up in my head for a while now, especially since I went back to graduate school.  I feel like all day every day I am struggling to juggle all of the responsibilities I have in my life....being a wife/mother, a student, an intern, an employee, a friend.....I feel like my head is going to explode!  I have decided to make the quest for finding balance in my life my new mantra.  I feel that the idea of balance is applicable to almost every part of our lives, and should be a life-long quest.  

Too much of anything isn't a good thing, and yet I find myself continually struggling to stay somewhere in the middle of things.  When I think of balance, I think of a teeter-totter.  There's usually a piece in the center and a long plank that is equal in length on both sides of the center.  When both sides of the teeter totter are equal and distributed evenly, the plank is balanced.  Realistically it would be great if we had perfect balance all the time....but life isn't like that.  And frankly, it wouldn't be very interesting and we wouldn't learn very much in the process.  

There are lots of ways that we lose balance in our lives.  From a mental health perspective, losing balance can cause all kinds of different issues, but most commonly issues such as depression and anxiety.  We tend to do things to self-medicate or numb ourselves when we become overwhelmed with life....we over-eat, over-spend, over-work, over-sleep.....all because we have lost that sense of balance.  If we have too much going on in life we can become anxious.  If we don't have enough going on we lack meaning in our lives which can then lead to a sense of boredom and even depression. 

I decided to come up with this little mnemonic device to illustrate how I feel about the concept of finding balance:  

Be kind to yourself

Allow others to help

Learn to say "no"

Adjust your perspective

Nobody's perfect

Cut out the insignificant stuff

Embrace the important stuff

I want to go through and talk about each one individually and why I think it is important in the quest for balance.

Be kind to yourself

When we have a lot on our plates, what usually ends up being the last priority?  Ourselves.  I think this is especially true with mothers.  We do what comes natural to us by putting our children before ourselves, and while it is a noble pursuit we forget the importance of investing in ourselves.

I didn't start understanding the value of being kind to myself until my graduate program.  It's a well-known fact that helping professions such as counselors, teachers, nurses, etc tend to have a high rate of burnout.  That is why my program has a major focus on self-care.  We are required to have a self-care plan for ourselves, and to follow-through with it.  We were even required to do a paper on it one semester, and it has been brought up and discussed in pretty much every class I've taken so far in one way or another.  When we don't take care of ourselves, we are more likely to become stressed which can cause us to literally worry ourselves sick.  And what good are we to our children (or anyone else for that matter) when we're not at our best?  You might think that being kind to yourself is a selfish thing when in fact it is crucial and necessary in living a balanced life.  When we invest in ourselves we become better versions of ourselves, and we are able to be that much better for others (like our children).  And what a great example we can be to our children by showing them that we value ourselves, and that we are worth it.

Allow others to help

This is something I personally struggle with.  I want to pretend I am super woman, that I can do it all and handle it all.  Well you might be able to carry this on for a short time but eventually you will crash and burn. We don't want to admit that maybe, just maybe, we need help once in a while.  

I believe that an important part of seeking balance is being willing to let others help us and being willing to ask for help. Admitting we need help requires a degree of vulnerability, and let's face it, being vulnerable is hard.  It allows others to see that we are not perfect.  But you know what else is great about showing vulnerability?  It shows that we're human.  And it helps others to see that they can be vulnerable too and that it's okay.  If you want to see an awesome video on the power of vulnerability, click here.  

Learn to say "no"

It's interesting how the word "no" is one of the first words that children learn to say.  I think about when my daughter was learning to talk and how her favorite word for everything was "no".

Me: "Give mommy the [insert sharp pointy object here], please" 
My daughter: "No!"

Me: "You need to eat your green beans if you want to have a popsicle"
My daughter: "No!"

Me: "It's time to take a bath and get ready for bed now"
My daughter: "No!"  

And yet, when it comes to being an adult, saying "no"(especially to other adults) is one of the most difficult things you can do.  I think the reason why it's so difficult is the majority of us out there enjoy doing things for others and don't want to disappoint.  We don't want others to think that we aren't willing to help out, or that we are incapable of handling it.  We don't want to appear weak.  But learning to say "no" once in a while not only sets healthy boundaries with others, it is crucial in finding balance.

Adjust your perspective   

A major concept that has been emphasized in my counseling program is the idea that we need to see the world from the client's frame of reference.  Everyone has a different perception of their reality, and it is subjective to that person.  We all come from unique circumstances that shape the people we are.....this makes life interesting, but it also makes life complicated at times. 

The concept of balance got me thinking....where is the center of the teeter-totter?  Is the center the same for me as it is for someone else?  I think we sometimes think it is, but I don't believe that is so.  Everyone is different. We each have a different capacity to handle different things based on who we are, our experiences, where we are at emotionally, etc.  At any given time, my capacity to handle certain things is going to be different than someone else.  I think we have the tendency to think that it is all the same, or judge our own personal center by someone else's (and vice versa).  So the next question is.....how do we know what our own center is?  How do we know where to find that balance?  Unfortunately, I think that is something we have to figure out for ourselves.  But I think a way we can know when we're close to finding our own personal center is that we will have a feeling of peace and joy and contentment.....and what a great feeling that is!

Nobody's perfect

One of my favorite musical artists is Pink.  She is so spunky and doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks of her.....I love it!  One of my favorite songs by Pink is called "Perfect", and I wanted to share a portion of the lyrics with you:

"Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect, to me...."

(Lyrics found here)

There's the common phrase that we are our own harshest critic.  Oftentimes we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves that just set us up for failure and discouragement.  Obviously having ambition is a good thing....it helps to motivate us and give us purpose.  It enables us to set amazing goals and work to achieve them.  But expecting perfection from ourselves (and of others for that matter) is a recipe for disaster. We need to recognize that while setting our sights high is a good thing, we can't beat ourselves up if we don't always meet them.  We need to be able to see the positive things we have achieved, and pat ourselves on the back every once in a while.

Cut out the insignificant stuff

I think this one pretty much speaks for itself.  I'm reading a book right now called His Needs, Her Needs For Parents: Keeping Romance Alive by Dr. William F. Harley.  He talks about the importance of couples finding time throughout the week to spend quality time together in an effort to keep romance alive in a marriage.  He illustrated how much time we really have in a week, and how if we make our marriage a priority we will find the time.  I think this not only applies to our relationships but to managing time in general.  If I really sat down and figured out how much time I wasted playing around on facebook or checking email I would probably be sick!  

Here is an excerpt from Dr. Harley's book:

"There are only so many hours in a week, and we have only so much energy.  So when we find ourselves overwhelmed with responsibilities, we must prioritize them and eliminate the ones that are least valuable to us.  A week consists of 168 hours - seven 24 hour days.  If you sleep 8 hours a day, that leaves you 112 waking hours.  An hour to take a shower and have breakfast in the morning (7 hours), about half an hour to get to and from work on weekdays (3 hours), and about 15 minutes to get ready for bed each night (2 hours) leaves 100 hours."

Doesn't that really put it in perspective?  That doesn't include work, but take out an additional 40 hours/week for work and that is 60 hours/week that is leftover.  I don't know about you, but after reading that I thought to myself, "where is that 60 hours??"  Of course we have other responsibilities like cleaning, cooking, laundry, paying bills, running errands, etc, but that is still plenty of time to get what we need done and still have time for the important stuff like maintaining our relationships. This brings us to the last one:

Embrace the important stuff

To find balance we need to take the time to evaluate what is important to us and make sure that we put those things first....then all the fluffy stuff that seems important just fades away and we're left with the good stuff.  It's so easy to get caught up in things that aren't necessarily bad but that distract us from what is important.  There's a million things that distract us these days, and the advancement of technology has just made it worse.  While all the cool gadgets out there now are helpful and make life easier, they also divert our attention elsewhere.

(My little cuties blowing bubbles on a summer day :))

It's amazing how fast life goes by.  Every so often I will stop, look at my kids and think "where has the time gone?"  And when it comes down to it, family really is the most important thing.  Our children grow up so fast, and it's hard to think that before long they will be grown up and gone.  As challenging and frustrating and difficult as parenting can be, it is also the most rewarding experience I have ever had.  I have never felt so much joy than being a parent.  The relationships we have with our family and friends really are the most important thing, and recognizing that is crucial in finding balance.