Expectations

(Can you tell I love quotes?)

I remember back in October of 2000 being SO excited for my 16th birthday....getting my drivers license, having a party that evening, it was going to be great.  I had an expectation in my mind of what it was going to be like before it even happened.  Then came my birthday.  And guess what?  It was a good day, better than most days.  I went to the DMV to get my license with my mom.  I got flowers delivered to me at school from my parents.  My close friends threw me a small party that night with a few of our friends.  And then it was over.  And sadly, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

I don't know exactly what I expected.  It's not like I expected my parents to pull up in the driveway with my dream car and a big red bow around it, or get a kiss from my latest crush, or have hundreds of people at my party.  It wasn't like that.  But for whatever reason, the build-up to that day in my mind didn't match what happened.

Expectations set us up for disappointment.  Of course when you expect something to be great, even if it ends up being okay or even good, you feel disappointed. This got me thinking about why we have expectations in the first place.  I think, for me, expectations are a way of coping with uncertainty and exercising some control.  It also gives me something to look forward to.  Those aren't necessarily bad things, but how do we prevent expectations from getting in the way of our happiness?  I've been trying to figure this out for myself for a while.  Especially in my marriage.  Because let's face it, expectations play a huge role in marriage.

I came up with three ways that I feel we can keep our expectations in check.

1. Be realistic.

There's two different ways that we need to be realistic about expectations in marriage.  The first is about "falling in love".  I came across THIS really good article that was going around on facebook called "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married" by Pop Chassid.  The title caught my eye, so I read through it.  It talks about how we have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is supposed to be like.  You "fall in love" with someone....can't stop thinking about them, get butterflies when you see them, spend all your waking hours with them, talk on the phone until 3 am, can't keep your hands off each other, etc.  (This time period usually involves overlooking all that person's faults, too).  You date that person, get married, and the first few months are wonderful.  You can't imagine life without that person!  Then a couple of years go by and reality sets in.  That "twidderpated" feeling wears off.  A few more years go by and suddenly you're thinking, "Who is this person I married?!  I don't love him/her anymore."  We think that maybe our spouse wasn't "the one" after all and maybe "the one" is still out there.  Well what REALLY happened is....you were never "in love" in the first place.  Love is so much more than that.  We get unrealistic expectations through movies or books or whatever that being happily married means that everything comes easily, that you never fight or have disagreements, that everyday is blissful.  When really, marriage is HARD. It takes A LOT of work.  A LOT of sacrifice.  A LOT of compromise.  And there are times when you might feel like you don't "love" that person anymore.  But "real" love means being committed to that person despite all those hard times.  It means putting up with all their faults and forgiving them when they make mistakes.  "Real" love is not glamorous.  It's exactly that....REAL. 

The next one is the expectations we have of our spouse.  A lot of the expectations we have of our spouse stem from watching our own parents' relationship.  Imagine a young man who grew up with a mom who always had dinner on the table when his dad got home from work.  Then he married a young woman whose mom worked full-time and didn't make dinner very often, if at all.  Her version of dinner is picking up a pizza on the way home.  You can imagine that there might be some difficulty in this relationship.  Or imagine a young woman who grew up with a father who was a great provider and did well financially.  Then she married a man who struggled financially and kept moving around from job to job.  Naturally the young woman would feel like her husband was not filling his "role" as a husband.  Not only should we not compare the expectations our parents had of each other to the expectations we have of our spouse (although it can be difficult not to), we also need to be realistic of what our spouse can do.  Maybe the young woman in the first example isn't a good cook or doesn't enjoy cooking.  We can't expect her to suddenly be a whiz in the kitchen.  Or maybe with the second couple, the wife can't expect the husband who struggles financially to suddenly become a millionaire.  We need to be realistic about the expectations we have for our spouse.  And we need to make sure they know what those expectations are.  That leads me to the next one.....    

2. Communicate.

I remember the first Valentine's Day after I got married. I was building up in my mind this amazing, romantic evening that my husband was going to plan for me.  The day came, aaaaand.....it didn't happen.  Not only is Valentine's Day my husband's birthday (which makes it a little complicated) but I had unrealistic expectations about what it would be like.  The silly thing about it is, I expected him to be a mind reader!  He didn't know what I wanted.  I've even heard girls say (and I'll admit I've been guilty of this before too), that "he should just know".  Yes, of course it's more romantic when a guy does something we don't expect and we don't have to ask.  But realistically, most guys are just normal guys who love their wives but aren't always savvy when it comes to romance.  I've had to learn over the years that I have to TELL my husband what I want.  And ever since I figured that out he's gotten better and better each year.

The same is especially true of the expectations husbands and wives have of each other when it comes to their roles in the home (as I touched on earlier).  I realized after years of marriage that one of the expectations I had of my husband was to be way more hands-on with chores around the house than what he was actually doing.  I EXPECTED HIM to know this, and after years of him not meeting that expectation, I became resentful.  It seems almost embarrassing now looking back at it.  I was getting mad about something he didn't even know!  Then one day we sat down together and wrote out what our expectations were of each other, and rated them on how important they were to us and the likelihood of our spouse being able to meet that expectation. Then once we knew what those expectations were, we started doing them.  Boy did our marriage improve!  It's amazing how something as simple as communicating improved our marriage exponentially.  

(I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!)

Then the next step is:

3. Be grateful.

We need to learn to be grateful for what we do have, so that we're not disappointed by unmet expectations.  Instead of thinking, "boy, my spouse didn't clean up the house as well as I would have liked him to" (or as well as you would have done it), we should think instead, "wow, I know my husband really hates cleaning and yet he worked really hard on this because he knows it's important to me.  I am so lucky."  It's amazing how that shift in perspective makes such a huge difference.  On my 16th birthday, instead of being disappointed, I should have thought, "my mom went out of her way to take me to get my license today and to send me flowers, and my friends planned this whole party just for me because they care about me....I must be really special."  We should think about what we have as always being BETTER than the alternative, not WORSE.    

So Small

The other night I was trying to remember the name of a Carrie Underwood song and ended up spending about an hour listening to a bunch of her songs on you tube.  She is one of my favorite singers and is so talented!  I came across this song that I've heard many times and known for a while but for some reason on this particular night I decided to read the lyrics.  Maybe it was my daughter starting Kindergarten or my baby turning 3 later this week but I've been pretty emotional and this song caused the flood gates to open....

  (Click on the title to listen to the song on you tube)

"So Small"

By Carrie Underwood 

What you got if you ain't got love?

The kind that you just wanna give away

It's okay to open up

Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day

You wanna shut the world out

And just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And when you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside

A problem that seems so big at the time

It's like a river that's so wide

It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change

And worrying about all the wrong things

Time's flying by, moving so fast

You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And then you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Oh, it sure makes everything else

Seem so small

This song really has so much meaning to me, especially with some of the struggles I've gone through over the last few months.  {I bolded some of my favorite parts}. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of life and lose sight of what's really important. It's also easy to let things that really aren't that important to get in the way of what is.  I love songs like this that help me to keep that perspective.

Love This

A great reminder!

Change

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

-Neale Donald Walsch

The other night as my husband and I were going to bed, I started thinking about a big milestone that was coming up in a couple of weeks......my daughter (our oldest child) starting Kindergarten.  I started thinking about my little baby all grown up, getting on the bus with her Hello Kitty backpack, going to school with a bunch of kids she doesn't know, trusting her with some teacher I know hardly anything about, not knowing whether kids will be nice to her or if she will make friends or if she will be okay, along with a hundred other worries.  I rolled over on my side away from my husband and quietly started crying.  My husband realized I was crying (probably retracing the last few minutes in his mind to figure out whether he had said/done something to cause it) and we had a good talk about it.

I talked about my concerns and cried while he talked me down and helped me to see that she was going to be okay, that this was an exciting time and that she was going to love it.  I don't doubt that she will....she is very bright and social and I absolutely think she will LOVE school.  But no matter how you slice it, change is hard.  It is uncomfortable and at times, painful.  And at some point, we have to let go.  

(On a side note, my husband brought up to my daughter the next morning how mommy was sad that she was growing up and going off to Kindergarten, and apparently she got this confused look on her face and asked, "Why?"  He explained to her that sometimes mommy's and daddy's get a little sad when they see their kids grow up and she said, "Well THAT'S silly! I have to grow up!" I'm sure one day when she has a child of her own she will understand. :))  

This experience got me thinking about change and why it's so hard.  It's because doing what is familiar feels comfortable, comes naturally, and is easy.  We don't have to think too much about it.  It feels safe.  We can count on it.  Change makes us feel uncertain and vulnerable. With change we often don't know what the future holds, which can be downright scary.  But familiar can also become boring.  Monotonous. If we never change or strive to become better, we're left feeling stagnant.  We have to push ourselves out of our comfort zones every so often, because when we do, something beautiful happens. We become better.  We see things in a new light.  We become better versions of ourselves.

Some changes in life are positive.  I recently lost about 25 lbs, and while the process of losing weight was difficult, it has been an overall positive experience.  I feel better about myself, have more energy, my clothes fit better, etc.  But then there are negative life changes.  Like the loss of a loved one, going through a divorce, the loss of a job. It would be difficult to see these kinds of situations in any kind of positive light.  But I personally believe that regardless of whether it is an unwanted or negative change, these experiences are some of our most poignant opportunities for growth.  That through difficult times, we can develop parts of ourselves that we didn't even know were there, and become stronger for it.
   
Of course too much change isn't necessarily a good thing either (isn't it amazing how the concept of balance applies in so many different situations??).  Too much change in life can be chaotic. We need a certain degree of stability and routine in our lives, and we have to determine that healthy balance for ourselves.  But I think for the most part, we tend to err on the side of avoiding change rather than changing too much.  So for those of us who resist change or have a difficult time letting go, here is a wonderful quote I came across:

So in a couple of short weeks I'm going to put on my big girl pants, get my daughter ready for her first day of school, take pictures of her in her first-day-of-school outfit, see her off to the bus, and then run in the house and bawl my eyes out.  I'll count down the minutes until she comes home, wishing I was a fly on the wall in that classroom.  But then at the end of the day I'll get to see her come off the bus and ask her all about her first day and see the special art project that she made that day.  I get to witness her transformation over the school year, like a flower blossoming.  I get to watch her handwriting improve and her recognize the letters of the alphabet and who knows, maybe even see her read.  We'll get to look back at the end of the year and see how much she has grown.  

And honestly, I don't think my heart will be able to contain the joy and pride I will have for my beautiful, ever-changing daughter.      

Fragile: Handle with Care

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.  

You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it.  

You don't expose it to the elements. 

You don't make it common or ordinary.  

If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new.  

It becomes special because you made it so, and it grows 

more beautiful and precious as time goes by."

~ F. Burton Howard

I am not an expert on marriage or relationships by any means, and I still have A LOT to learn when it comes to my own.  But one thing I do know for sure is that marriage is fragile and should be handled with care. It should be treated with sacredness and respect.  It doesn't take much for a relationship to be damaged, and it takes a lot of work to fix it once it's broken.  But I do believe it can be fixed if both people are willing to give not 50/50, but 100% each in the relationship.  Marriage is an investment, where the more you put in to it the more you get back (as long as both partners are investing equally).  It requires unselfish sacrifice.  It takes HARD WORK to make it happen....but it is worth it.

Loving the Un-loveable

This is one of the toughest lessons out there, but so fundamental.  It can be difficult to see past the facade that people portray in order to protect themselves.  Oftentimes individuals who are difficult to love have been treated like (or even told that) they are not loveable, so they behave accordingly (ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?).  Showing people they are loved for who they are (and not necessarily their behavior) can do wonders.

[Starting an internship in a couple of weeks at a junior high....I'm really going to try and remember this.]

Love

"A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it

A song's not a song 'til you sing it

Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay

Love isn't love 'til you give it away!"

-Oscar Hammerstein II