Expectations

(Can you tell I love quotes?)

I remember back in October of 2000 being SO excited for my 16th birthday....getting my drivers license, having a party that evening, it was going to be great.  I had an expectation in my mind of what it was going to be like before it even happened.  Then came my birthday.  And guess what?  It was a good day, better than most days.  I went to the DMV to get my license with my mom.  I got flowers delivered to me at school from my parents.  My close friends threw me a small party that night with a few of our friends.  And then it was over.  And sadly, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

I don't know exactly what I expected.  It's not like I expected my parents to pull up in the driveway with my dream car and a big red bow around it, or get a kiss from my latest crush, or have hundreds of people at my party.  It wasn't like that.  But for whatever reason, the build-up to that day in my mind didn't match what happened.

Expectations set us up for disappointment.  Of course when you expect something to be great, even if it ends up being okay or even good, you feel disappointed. This got me thinking about why we have expectations in the first place.  I think, for me, expectations are a way of coping with uncertainty and exercising some control.  It also gives me something to look forward to.  Those aren't necessarily bad things, but how do we prevent expectations from getting in the way of our happiness?  I've been trying to figure this out for myself for a while.  Especially in my marriage.  Because let's face it, expectations play a huge role in marriage.

I came up with three ways that I feel we can keep our expectations in check.

1. Be realistic.

There's two different ways that we need to be realistic about expectations in marriage.  The first is about "falling in love".  I came across THIS really good article that was going around on facebook called "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married" by Pop Chassid.  The title caught my eye, so I read through it.  It talks about how we have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is supposed to be like.  You "fall in love" with someone....can't stop thinking about them, get butterflies when you see them, spend all your waking hours with them, talk on the phone until 3 am, can't keep your hands off each other, etc.  (This time period usually involves overlooking all that person's faults, too).  You date that person, get married, and the first few months are wonderful.  You can't imagine life without that person!  Then a couple of years go by and reality sets in.  That "twidderpated" feeling wears off.  A few more years go by and suddenly you're thinking, "Who is this person I married?!  I don't love him/her anymore."  We think that maybe our spouse wasn't "the one" after all and maybe "the one" is still out there.  Well what REALLY happened is....you were never "in love" in the first place.  Love is so much more than that.  We get unrealistic expectations through movies or books or whatever that being happily married means that everything comes easily, that you never fight or have disagreements, that everyday is blissful.  When really, marriage is HARD. It takes A LOT of work.  A LOT of sacrifice.  A LOT of compromise.  And there are times when you might feel like you don't "love" that person anymore.  But "real" love means being committed to that person despite all those hard times.  It means putting up with all their faults and forgiving them when they make mistakes.  "Real" love is not glamorous.  It's exactly that....REAL. 

The next one is the expectations we have of our spouse.  A lot of the expectations we have of our spouse stem from watching our own parents' relationship.  Imagine a young man who grew up with a mom who always had dinner on the table when his dad got home from work.  Then he married a young woman whose mom worked full-time and didn't make dinner very often, if at all.  Her version of dinner is picking up a pizza on the way home.  You can imagine that there might be some difficulty in this relationship.  Or imagine a young woman who grew up with a father who was a great provider and did well financially.  Then she married a man who struggled financially and kept moving around from job to job.  Naturally the young woman would feel like her husband was not filling his "role" as a husband.  Not only should we not compare the expectations our parents had of each other to the expectations we have of our spouse (although it can be difficult not to), we also need to be realistic of what our spouse can do.  Maybe the young woman in the first example isn't a good cook or doesn't enjoy cooking.  We can't expect her to suddenly be a whiz in the kitchen.  Or maybe with the second couple, the wife can't expect the husband who struggles financially to suddenly become a millionaire.  We need to be realistic about the expectations we have for our spouse.  And we need to make sure they know what those expectations are.  That leads me to the next one.....    

2. Communicate.

I remember the first Valentine's Day after I got married. I was building up in my mind this amazing, romantic evening that my husband was going to plan for me.  The day came, aaaaand.....it didn't happen.  Not only is Valentine's Day my husband's birthday (which makes it a little complicated) but I had unrealistic expectations about what it would be like.  The silly thing about it is, I expected him to be a mind reader!  He didn't know what I wanted.  I've even heard girls say (and I'll admit I've been guilty of this before too), that "he should just know".  Yes, of course it's more romantic when a guy does something we don't expect and we don't have to ask.  But realistically, most guys are just normal guys who love their wives but aren't always savvy when it comes to romance.  I've had to learn over the years that I have to TELL my husband what I want.  And ever since I figured that out he's gotten better and better each year.

The same is especially true of the expectations husbands and wives have of each other when it comes to their roles in the home (as I touched on earlier).  I realized after years of marriage that one of the expectations I had of my husband was to be way more hands-on with chores around the house than what he was actually doing.  I EXPECTED HIM to know this, and after years of him not meeting that expectation, I became resentful.  It seems almost embarrassing now looking back at it.  I was getting mad about something he didn't even know!  Then one day we sat down together and wrote out what our expectations were of each other, and rated them on how important they were to us and the likelihood of our spouse being able to meet that expectation. Then once we knew what those expectations were, we started doing them.  Boy did our marriage improve!  It's amazing how something as simple as communicating improved our marriage exponentially.  

(I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!)

Then the next step is:

3. Be grateful.

We need to learn to be grateful for what we do have, so that we're not disappointed by unmet expectations.  Instead of thinking, "boy, my spouse didn't clean up the house as well as I would have liked him to" (or as well as you would have done it), we should think instead, "wow, I know my husband really hates cleaning and yet he worked really hard on this because he knows it's important to me.  I am so lucky."  It's amazing how that shift in perspective makes such a huge difference.  On my 16th birthday, instead of being disappointed, I should have thought, "my mom went out of her way to take me to get my license today and to send me flowers, and my friends planned this whole party just for me because they care about me....I must be really special."  We should think about what we have as always being BETTER than the alternative, not WORSE.    

Tears

There's nothing better than a good cry!

So Small

The other night I was trying to remember the name of a Carrie Underwood song and ended up spending about an hour listening to a bunch of her songs on you tube.  She is one of my favorite singers and is so talented!  I came across this song that I've heard many times and known for a while but for some reason on this particular night I decided to read the lyrics.  Maybe it was my daughter starting Kindergarten or my baby turning 3 later this week but I've been pretty emotional and this song caused the flood gates to open....

  (Click on the title to listen to the song on you tube)

"So Small"

By Carrie Underwood 

What you got if you ain't got love?

The kind that you just wanna give away

It's okay to open up

Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day

You wanna shut the world out

And just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And when you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside

A problem that seems so big at the time

It's like a river that's so wide

It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change

And worrying about all the wrong things

Time's flying by, moving so fast

You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And then you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Oh, it sure makes everything else

Seem so small

This song really has so much meaning to me, especially with some of the struggles I've gone through over the last few months.  {I bolded some of my favorite parts}. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of life and lose sight of what's really important. It's also easy to let things that really aren't that important to get in the way of what is.  I love songs like this that help me to keep that perspective.

Love This

A great reminder!

Peaches

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time when people don't like me.  I am a big people-pleaser.  I'm not really sure why or what it stems from, but I've learned that about myself and it has had a big effect on who I am and my behavior. I have trouble with assertiveness and have been known to let perfect strangers walk all over me because I didn't want to offend them (how silly, huh?). I catch myself saying "sorry" a lot to people even when it's not my fault.  Even if it's the other person's fault.  Isn't that strange?!!  I've mentioned this in a previous post, but I've also seen this come up in my pursuit of becoming counselor (I even had a professor in my counseling program call me out on it during feedback I received after running a group). I have been working on this part of myself lately, striving to love myself for who I am and not to define myself by how others perceive me. I came across this gem below that had a profound effect on me:

It's a great reminder that no matter how hard you try, no matter how wonderful or awesome you may be, you may not be everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay.  You don't have to change who you are to please others.  You are who you are and nobody can change that.  We are all unique and that's what makes us special.  That's what keeps life interesting.  I'm striving to learn that lesson, and to be more confident in who I am as a person.  

Funny little ironic tidbit....my husband hates peaches, lol

Comic Relief: Parenting

A friend of mine shared this on facebook and I thought it was hilarious!  Happy Tuesday!

Facts about PARENTING: 

1. Lower your standards for cleanliness and order.
2. Did that? Lower them even more.
3. Your house will never look like a magazine spread, period. Embrace that.
4. No matter how many baskets you buy to contain toys, they will always be visible. Embrace the Toys ‘R Us/ frat house-chic decor.
5. You can never have too many popsicles in the freezer. How many bad moods have been fixed by a simple popsicle?
6. If you can’t change them, change your perspective. For example I read recently– probably on Satan’s website Pinterest– that toothpaste is great for cleaning things like faucets. So now when I go into the bathroom every day and see toothpaste splatter all over the bathroom faucet I think about how my children have done half the chore of cleaning for me. How considerate of them! Then I wipe it off while cursing.
7. Those chores that no one ever wants to do. Decide if you would rather do it yourself, badger your child to it, or let it go. If you are confused about what to do, see Number 1 on this list.
8. No one cares what is stuffed under your child’s bed, why should you. Unless it is old food. In that case, you should get a dog.
9. If you have boys, your bathroom will always faintly stink like pee. Invest in some Febreeze and count down the days until they move out and you can go visit them and pee on their bathroom floor.
10. Don’t buy white furniture. Unless you enjoy screaming at your children every time they go near it.
11. However bad a situation might seem, one day it will be funny. I have a few for which I am eagerly awaiting for the funny to kick in. Any time now….
12. When your child is a young teen there will be nothing more embarrassing than your very existence. Use this to your advantage. Start planning early.
13. Do not paint any walls in your house with flat paint.
14. Be okay with letting your kids stumble sometimes. Whether that is turning in an assignment late because they didn’t do it or wearing an outfit so hideous you have trouble looking at them without laughing.
15. Noise cancelling headphones are great for blocking out whining, bickering and the endless episodes of Sponge Bob.
16. Socks do not have to match. Every day is Crazy Sock Day at my house, which is infinitely better than Crazy Mom Day.
17. The crayons will break and it is okay to throw them away rather then save them to make some sort of craft that involves the hair dryer. In fact, I give you permission to not feel guilty about all the crafts you know you will never do.
18. Your children will not die from eating the occasional hot dog or frozen pizza. And by occasional I mean more than you are really willing to admit.
19. If your children are driving you crazy arguing with each other, start an argument with them. Then your children will bond over their mutual hatred of you and be quiet.
20. Children do not appreciate top sheets or high thread counts. Buy neither.
21. Homework time is the worst time of the day. Help your kids and yourself by having a designated time and a quiet place to do homework. Preferably in a neighbor’s home.
22. Just say No to ironing.
23. Last, but not least, a glass of wine and some really bad TV makes everything seem a little better.

Found here: https://www.facebook.com/MommyMadeCraftsAndRecipes/posts/427841773996564

Be Real

I recently started reading the blog Single Dad Laughing.  The writer, Dan Pearce, shares his life experiences and insights on a variety of interesting topics, including his failed marriages, fatherhood, religion, etc.  I've been going through and reading his "All Time Top Posts" (there are so many good ones) and I came across one called "The Disease of Perfection".  It pretty much left me in tears.    

He talks about the tendency we have in society to strive for perfection and to portray ourselves as perfect to others when we all know that perfection doesn't exist. The problem with striving for perfection is that when we inevitably fall short we are extremely hard on ourselves.  Sometimes we even give up on trying.  We often have an "all or nothing" attitude about our imperfections.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about some of the issues I personally struggle with, one being the tendency to compare myself to others. I am especially bad at this when it comes to seeing other mom's. I constantly catch myself thinking things like, "Oh she's so perfect, she has the perfect body and her house is always clean and her kids are so well-behaved" and blah blah blah.  Then I look at my own life and how insecure I am about my body and how my house is always a mess and how my kids can be so naughty and frustrating sometimes and how I lose my temper way too much. Then I get depressed and down on myself.  Or I get anxious about needing to lose weight or stress about having a clean house or stay awake at night worrying about my kids and whether or not I am raising them right.  And then I'm miserable.

I think this has gotten even worse with the increased popularity and availability of social networking sites and blogs.  We all put our best foot forward, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it causes us to compare ourselves to one another. It makes us think that everyone else is perfect, when the truth is, no one is. And yet we think we're alone in our struggles. The other problem is how easily we all judge each other without knowing the whole story.  And I will admit, I have been guilty of that too.  But thankfully because of different experiences I have had the last few years, I have developed a lot more empathy and understanding for people who I may have judged previously because now I know what it's like.  And it gave me a big ol' slice of humble pie. The tendency we have to judge each other just makes the quest for perfection even worse because we don't want anyone to judge us. It's a vicious cycle!  

Here is an excerpt from Single Dad Laughing's post:

"We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. 'Perfection' is much different than perfectionism.....'Perfection' is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you’re infected, at least to some degree. The good news is, there is a cure.

Be real.

Embrace that you have weaknesses. Because everyone does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody’s is. Embrace that you have things you can’t control. We all have a list of them."

I've decided that from here on out I'm going to strive to Be Real in my relationships. To be honest with myself and others about my shortcomings, to have a non-judgmental attitude, to STOP comparing myself to others and STOP caring so much about what other people think.  If you are reading this and we are friends, I want you to know that you can be real with me too.  And I won't judge you. If anything, it will probably make us even closer as friends.

I'm also going to remember to.....

There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve and become better.  The key is to remember that perfection doesn't exist and instead we should seek to progress.  To try and be a little bit better everyday. And if at times we fall short, that's okay.  We'll try again tomorrow.  As we strive to be more real in our relationships, I have a feeling that others will start to feel like they can be more real too.  And this can take our relationships to a deeper, more meaningful level.

As a way of striving to be more real in my life, I've decided that I will do a periodic blog post on some of the ways that I am imperfect in my life. Its scary and a little embarrassing to think about, but hopefully it will help me to come to terms more with my own shortcomings, and to realize that it's okay. And hopefully showing a little bit of vulnerability will help you (the three people that read this blog, lol) to feel better about your shortcomings too. For this first post I will share a picture of a very embarrassing part of my house that I try to keep hidden at all costs. No matter how much I try and no matter how many times we move, I always have one of these in my house.  We call it "The Scary Pile".  

It's basically that place where all of the odds-and-ends accumulate.  If you're not sure where to put it, it goes there.  Every so often it gets bad enough that we (my husband or I) go through and clean it out and it's clean for about 3 minutes.  But then it inevitably piles up again. *Sigh*

Here's to keepin' it real!