Loving the Un-loveable

This is one of the toughest lessons out there, but so fundamental.  It can be difficult to see past the facade that people portray in order to protect themselves.  Oftentimes individuals who are difficult to love have been treated like (or even told that) they are not loveable, so they behave accordingly (ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?).  Showing people they are loved for who they are (and not necessarily their behavior) can do wonders.

[Starting an internship in a couple of weeks at a junior high....I'm really going to try and remember this.]

Listening Earnestly

I came across this quote on pinterest and I just love it.  It is definitely something I need to work on!!!  I have a very talkative 5 year-old and I catch myself saying a lot of "uh-huh's" throughout the day without really hearing her.  Something I've learned about children is that they often throw in very profound, meaningful thoughts in to everyday conversation, but we don't hear it because it gets mixed in with the playful, imaginative stuff (that we tend to tune out).  That's one of the foundations of play therapy, that when children are in a safe environment they will often discuss some of their deepest feelings.  If we don't listen we often miss those profound statements.  I am grateful to have had a mother who was always willing to listen to us when we were young.  She emphasized open communication and provided a safe environment for my brothers and me to share our feelings.  To this day I confide in her often, and I hope to have that kind of relationship with my kids one day.

Vulnerability

"To love is to be vulnerable."

-C.S. Lewis

A few weeks back I had to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled.  Not my favorite thing in the world to do, but necessary nonetheless.  Thankfully, dentists have this wonderful thing they can shoot in to our gums to make us numb so that we can't feel the pain of getting the tooth drilled and fixed.  Then after a few hours the numbness wears off and while we might be a little sore after, we don't feel much pain.  It got me thinking, wouldn't it be nice if we could just numb ourselves from all pain in life??  (I'm being facetious). Well there are ways that we numb ourselves in life from emotional pain.  Lots of ways actually.  For some it's drugs or alcohol.  For others it could be overeating or overspending.  Gambling. Watching excessive amounts of television or playing video games for hours on end.  The list goes on.  Now I'm not saying that these things are all bad (with the exception of drugs), as long as they are done in moderation.  But when it gets to the point where we are doing these things to numb ourselves, then it has become unhealthy.  We numb ourselves from feeling emotional pain and to protect ourselves from getting hurt, because otherwise we would be allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.     

When I think of vulnerability, I think of children.  Children are some of the most genuine creatures on earth because they are so willing to be vulnerable.  Children love others with their whole hearts and are very forgiving.  They are trusting of others.  They take the time to enjoy life, to be in the moment.  Then somewhere along the line they become adults and a lot of this stops. I think many of us start out being vulnerable as children and then over time we get hurt by others or just life in general and we slowly start to build up a wall.  For some that wall is thicker and higher than for others, depending on our experiences.  Or we walk around wearing a symbolic suit of armor to protect ourselves from getting hurt in the future.  Of course children don't always understand that not all people can be trusted and as adults we often have to protect them for those kinds of people.  But I also think we can learn a lot from children in this regard.

Someone recommended THIS Ted talk to me called "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown that I think is fabulous.  It's about 20 minutes long but it is totally worth your time.  Seriously, you must watch it!!!  Stop reading and go watch it.  It will change your life.  She is an expert on vulnerability and has actually done tons of research on how important vulnerability is in our relationships. When we numb ourselves, although we can protect ourselves from feeling pain, we also prevent ourselves from feeling the great things in life too. Brene Brown said the following about this very thing:

".....We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.  The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion.  You can't say, here's the bad stuff.  Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment.  I don't want to feel these.  I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.....You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions.....So when you numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.  And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.  And it becomes a dangerous cycle." 

(see Ted talk link above for reference).

(I LOVE Brene Brown, she is so awesome....next book on my wish list, her book Daring Greatly)

Now I'm not saying go out and get a root canal without anesthetic....that would be ridiculous!  But I am saying that we should all take risks once in a while.  Let others see parts of ourselves that we're often too afraid to show (and I don't mean go out flashing people, lol!).  Odds are if you start to open yourself up a little bit, others will too.  And it will be amazing how this will affect the quality of your relationships.  There is also a chance that there are going to be those people who will still hurt you when you open yourself up to them.  It's just a reality.  But kudos to you for putting yourself out there and taking that risk.  (And try to keep in mind that they've probably been hurt too).  This concept reminds of the 2009 movie "He's Just Not That In To You" (cute movie, I recommend it).  At the end of a party, Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) goes out on a limb and kisses Alex (Justin Long), only to be rejected afterwards.  Alex gives her a hard time for always putting herself out there just to be hurt by men, and she says something so profound.  She says, "I'd rather be like that than be like you.  I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much, but at least that means I still care.....you may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way either.  You have not won, you're alone Alex.  I may do a lot of stupid shit but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are."  Isn't that awesome??  I just love it!  She hit the nail right on the head.  By not allowing yourself to be vulnerable you may prevent yourself from being hurt by others, but you also prevent yourself from experiencing life to the fullest.

Now the next question is: how do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable?  What does it actually look like?  I'll let Brene answer this since she says it so well (this is another excerpt from that same Ted talk):

"To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?  Can I believe in this this passionately?  Can I be this fierce about this?"  Just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."  And at last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough.  Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."

Isn't that beautiful?!  I'm going to start working towards being more vulnerable in my relationships, and I hope you will too.

In doing research for this post I came across this "badge" (below) that I'm going to put on my side bar as a reminder to always strive to be authentic and genuine with others (found it here....there's also a great interview Brene did with Oprah found at that link):

Balance - Breathe - Love

One of my oldest and dearest friends makes her own custom jewelry and I decided to have her make a piece for me!  I asked her to incorporate the word "Balance" since it is something that I am working towards in life and this is what she came up with....I absolutely love it!  I am so excited to wear it and to be reminded of that quest.  If you are interested in seeing her jewelry or having her design a custom piece for you, go HERE to see her facebook page.  

Love

"A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it

A song's not a song 'til you sing it

Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay

Love isn't love 'til you give it away!"

-Oscar Hammerstein II

Choices

A fellow student in my cohort shared this quote at the beginning of one of our groups this summer and I just loved it so much I wanted to share it on here.

Such a great reminder that although we cannot always control our circumstances, we have the power to control our own attitude and how we will react to certain situations.  What an empowering thought!

A Closer Look at B-A-L-A-N-C-E

**I originally published this post on my family blog back in April of 2013 before I decided to start this new blog.  I thought that this post would be better suited in this blog.  Forgive me if it is a little repetitive from the last post since I wrote them months apart from each other.   

The concept of finding balance has been popping up in my head for a while now, especially since I went back to graduate school.  I feel like all day every day I am struggling to juggle all of the responsibilities I have in my life....being a wife/mother, a student, an intern, an employee, a friend.....I feel like my head is going to explode!  I have decided to make the quest for finding balance in my life my new mantra.  I feel that the idea of balance is applicable to almost every part of our lives, and should be a life-long quest.  

Too much of anything isn't a good thing, and yet I find myself continually struggling to stay somewhere in the middle of things.  When I think of balance, I think of a teeter-totter.  There's usually a piece in the center and a long plank that is equal in length on both sides of the center.  When both sides of the teeter totter are equal and distributed evenly, the plank is balanced.  Realistically it would be great if we had perfect balance all the time....but life isn't like that.  And frankly, it wouldn't be very interesting and we wouldn't learn very much in the process.  

There are lots of ways that we lose balance in our lives.  From a mental health perspective, losing balance can cause all kinds of different issues, but most commonly issues such as depression and anxiety.  We tend to do things to self-medicate or numb ourselves when we become overwhelmed with life....we over-eat, over-spend, over-work, over-sleep.....all because we have lost that sense of balance.  If we have too much going on in life we can become anxious.  If we don't have enough going on we lack meaning in our lives which can then lead to a sense of boredom and even depression. 

I decided to come up with this little mnemonic device to illustrate how I feel about the concept of finding balance:  

Be kind to yourself

Allow others to help

Learn to say "no"

Adjust your perspective

Nobody's perfect

Cut out the insignificant stuff

Embrace the important stuff

I want to go through and talk about each one individually and why I think it is important in the quest for balance.

Be kind to yourself

When we have a lot on our plates, what usually ends up being the last priority?  Ourselves.  I think this is especially true with mothers.  We do what comes natural to us by putting our children before ourselves, and while it is a noble pursuit we forget the importance of investing in ourselves.

I didn't start understanding the value of being kind to myself until my graduate program.  It's a well-known fact that helping professions such as counselors, teachers, nurses, etc tend to have a high rate of burnout.  That is why my program has a major focus on self-care.  We are required to have a self-care plan for ourselves, and to follow-through with it.  We were even required to do a paper on it one semester, and it has been brought up and discussed in pretty much every class I've taken so far in one way or another.  When we don't take care of ourselves, we are more likely to become stressed which can cause us to literally worry ourselves sick.  And what good are we to our children (or anyone else for that matter) when we're not at our best?  You might think that being kind to yourself is a selfish thing when in fact it is crucial and necessary in living a balanced life.  When we invest in ourselves we become better versions of ourselves, and we are able to be that much better for others (like our children).  And what a great example we can be to our children by showing them that we value ourselves, and that we are worth it.

Allow others to help

This is something I personally struggle with.  I want to pretend I am super woman, that I can do it all and handle it all.  Well you might be able to carry this on for a short time but eventually you will crash and burn. We don't want to admit that maybe, just maybe, we need help once in a while.  

I believe that an important part of seeking balance is being willing to let others help us and being willing to ask for help. Admitting we need help requires a degree of vulnerability, and let's face it, being vulnerable is hard.  It allows others to see that we are not perfect.  But you know what else is great about showing vulnerability?  It shows that we're human.  And it helps others to see that they can be vulnerable too and that it's okay.  If you want to see an awesome video on the power of vulnerability, click here.  

Learn to say "no"

It's interesting how the word "no" is one of the first words that children learn to say.  I think about when my daughter was learning to talk and how her favorite word for everything was "no".

Me: "Give mommy the [insert sharp pointy object here], please" 
My daughter: "No!"

Me: "You need to eat your green beans if you want to have a popsicle"
My daughter: "No!"

Me: "It's time to take a bath and get ready for bed now"
My daughter: "No!"  

And yet, when it comes to being an adult, saying "no"(especially to other adults) is one of the most difficult things you can do.  I think the reason why it's so difficult is the majority of us out there enjoy doing things for others and don't want to disappoint.  We don't want others to think that we aren't willing to help out, or that we are incapable of handling it.  We don't want to appear weak.  But learning to say "no" once in a while not only sets healthy boundaries with others, it is crucial in finding balance.

Adjust your perspective   

A major concept that has been emphasized in my counseling program is the idea that we need to see the world from the client's frame of reference.  Everyone has a different perception of their reality, and it is subjective to that person.  We all come from unique circumstances that shape the people we are.....this makes life interesting, but it also makes life complicated at times. 

The concept of balance got me thinking....where is the center of the teeter-totter?  Is the center the same for me as it is for someone else?  I think we sometimes think it is, but I don't believe that is so.  Everyone is different. We each have a different capacity to handle different things based on who we are, our experiences, where we are at emotionally, etc.  At any given time, my capacity to handle certain things is going to be different than someone else.  I think we have the tendency to think that it is all the same, or judge our own personal center by someone else's (and vice versa).  So the next question is.....how do we know what our own center is?  How do we know where to find that balance?  Unfortunately, I think that is something we have to figure out for ourselves.  But I think a way we can know when we're close to finding our own personal center is that we will have a feeling of peace and joy and contentment.....and what a great feeling that is!

Nobody's perfect

One of my favorite musical artists is Pink.  She is so spunky and doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks of her.....I love it!  One of my favorite songs by Pink is called "Perfect", and I wanted to share a portion of the lyrics with you:

"Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect, to me...."

(Lyrics found here)

There's the common phrase that we are our own harshest critic.  Oftentimes we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves that just set us up for failure and discouragement.  Obviously having ambition is a good thing....it helps to motivate us and give us purpose.  It enables us to set amazing goals and work to achieve them.  But expecting perfection from ourselves (and of others for that matter) is a recipe for disaster. We need to recognize that while setting our sights high is a good thing, we can't beat ourselves up if we don't always meet them.  We need to be able to see the positive things we have achieved, and pat ourselves on the back every once in a while.

Cut out the insignificant stuff

I think this one pretty much speaks for itself.  I'm reading a book right now called His Needs, Her Needs For Parents: Keeping Romance Alive by Dr. William F. Harley.  He talks about the importance of couples finding time throughout the week to spend quality time together in an effort to keep romance alive in a marriage.  He illustrated how much time we really have in a week, and how if we make our marriage a priority we will find the time.  I think this not only applies to our relationships but to managing time in general.  If I really sat down and figured out how much time I wasted playing around on facebook or checking email I would probably be sick!  

Here is an excerpt from Dr. Harley's book:

"There are only so many hours in a week, and we have only so much energy.  So when we find ourselves overwhelmed with responsibilities, we must prioritize them and eliminate the ones that are least valuable to us.  A week consists of 168 hours - seven 24 hour days.  If you sleep 8 hours a day, that leaves you 112 waking hours.  An hour to take a shower and have breakfast in the morning (7 hours), about half an hour to get to and from work on weekdays (3 hours), and about 15 minutes to get ready for bed each night (2 hours) leaves 100 hours."

Doesn't that really put it in perspective?  That doesn't include work, but take out an additional 40 hours/week for work and that is 60 hours/week that is leftover.  I don't know about you, but after reading that I thought to myself, "where is that 60 hours??"  Of course we have other responsibilities like cleaning, cooking, laundry, paying bills, running errands, etc, but that is still plenty of time to get what we need done and still have time for the important stuff like maintaining our relationships. This brings us to the last one:

Embrace the important stuff

To find balance we need to take the time to evaluate what is important to us and make sure that we put those things first....then all the fluffy stuff that seems important just fades away and we're left with the good stuff.  It's so easy to get caught up in things that aren't necessarily bad but that distract us from what is important.  There's a million things that distract us these days, and the advancement of technology has just made it worse.  While all the cool gadgets out there now are helpful and make life easier, they also divert our attention elsewhere.

(My little cuties blowing bubbles on a summer day :))

It's amazing how fast life goes by.  Every so often I will stop, look at my kids and think "where has the time gone?"  And when it comes down to it, family really is the most important thing.  Our children grow up so fast, and it's hard to think that before long they will be grown up and gone.  As challenging and frustrating and difficult as parenting can be, it is also the most rewarding experience I have ever had.  I have never felt so much joy than being a parent.  The relationships we have with our family and friends really are the most important thing, and recognizing that is crucial in finding balance.

Why BALANCE?

For this first post I would like to explain why I started this blog and how this whole quest for balance began.  A few months ago I was going through a very stressful time in my life.  We had just bought our first home which was a fixer-upper that required a lot of work (new paint, new carpet, a very stressful kitchen remodel, landscaping, etc.).  I was right in the middle of my Counselor Education graduate program at Adams State University, taking a pretty full load while also working the graveyard shift a couple of nights a week.  On top of that I was required to complete a 100 hour Practicum (aka internship) at a local high school a couple of days a week.  I was also called to be a leader in the Young Women's program through the LDS church which was a pretty demanding calling and required a lot of time going to activities, meetings, preparing Sunday lessons, etc.  Oh and being a mom to two rambunctious kids (one of which is especially rambunctious and very high maintenance).  Needless to say I was maxed. out.  I learned A LOT about myself during that time though.  I learned what my limits are and what I can handle (and let's just say I was not handling it well).  Another thing I learned is that when people are under huge amounts of stress they tend to do things that are out of character for them (i.e. break down and cry over dumb things like a 2 year-old.....not that I ever did that....ahem).  In my case I also started having huge amounts of anxiety which also brought with it some depression (being candid here).  Anxiety and depression usually go hand-in-hand (here is a great article I found on MSN explaining that a little bit further).  Everyone was asking me, "how are you doing it?"  Well my answer was always, "I'm not!"  I was not coping well.  I had very little spare time, and what little spare time I did have I pretty much just wanted to check out (and by that I mean watching way too much Netflix, lol).  Which is okay I think a little bit here and there, but I was checking out in unhealthy amounts.  I had very little time for family and friends, which was what I needed the most at the time.  The schedule that I was trying to maintain was also putting a lot of stress on my marriage.  We rarely saw each other and when we did I was not in a good place.

My graduate program emphasizes the importance of self-care, as counseling tends to be a high burn out field that is very emotionally exhausting.  I tried to have a wellness plan in place for myself but I wasn't following through with it very well and it was definitely showing.  I was getting sick all the time, getting a new thing every 2 weeks it seemed like.  By March I hit a breaking point.  I decided that I had to do something or I was going to crash and burn.  This was when I started on my quest for balance.

I was working the night shift one night and was kind of randomly inspired.  I had had this concept of finding balance popping up in my head for a while.  I feel like everything in life is about finding balance.  Too much of anything isn't healthy, and neither is too little.  My life was way out of balance and I couldn't go on like that anymore.  So I came up with a mnemonic device to help me in my quest for balance:

Be kind to yourself

Allow others to help

Learn to say "no"

Adjust your perspective

Nobody's perfect

Cut out the insignificant stuff

Embrace the important stuff

The quest for balance has become my new mantra.  (I wrote a blog post in my family blog that I will probably move over to this blog soon, which explains each of these and what they mean to me).  I swear if I could get this tattooed on to my forehead, I would!  I started working towards getting my life back in balance.  I had to cut some things out of my life to help me accomplish this.  It was hard for me because I don't like to say "no" and I don't want to disappoint anyone.  But it had to be done.  Miraculously I made it through Spring semester and things slowed down a little bit.  Since then I've also had to make some difficult decisions and say "no" to some other opportunities that have come up for the sake of my sanity and health.  I think the quest for balance will always be a struggle for me and will be a lifelong process.  But this experience really taught me a lot about myself, what I want out of life, what my priorities are, and that in order to be the best person I can be for everyone else I FIRST have to take care of myself.  I have a hard time not feeling selfish when I say that, but I have learned first hand that it is necessary and that I am WORTH it.