Expectations

(Can you tell I love quotes?)

I remember back in October of 2000 being SO excited for my 16th birthday....getting my drivers license, having a party that evening, it was going to be great.  I had an expectation in my mind of what it was going to be like before it even happened.  Then came my birthday.  And guess what?  It was a good day, better than most days.  I went to the DMV to get my license with my mom.  I got flowers delivered to me at school from my parents.  My close friends threw me a small party that night with a few of our friends.  And then it was over.  And sadly, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

I don't know exactly what I expected.  It's not like I expected my parents to pull up in the driveway with my dream car and a big red bow around it, or get a kiss from my latest crush, or have hundreds of people at my party.  It wasn't like that.  But for whatever reason, the build-up to that day in my mind didn't match what happened.

Expectations set us up for disappointment.  Of course when you expect something to be great, even if it ends up being okay or even good, you feel disappointed. This got me thinking about why we have expectations in the first place.  I think, for me, expectations are a way of coping with uncertainty and exercising some control.  It also gives me something to look forward to.  Those aren't necessarily bad things, but how do we prevent expectations from getting in the way of our happiness?  I've been trying to figure this out for myself for a while.  Especially in my marriage.  Because let's face it, expectations play a huge role in marriage.

I came up with three ways that I feel we can keep our expectations in check.

1. Be realistic.

There's two different ways that we need to be realistic about expectations in marriage.  The first is about "falling in love".  I came across THIS really good article that was going around on facebook called "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married" by Pop Chassid.  The title caught my eye, so I read through it.  It talks about how we have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is supposed to be like.  You "fall in love" with someone....can't stop thinking about them, get butterflies when you see them, spend all your waking hours with them, talk on the phone until 3 am, can't keep your hands off each other, etc.  (This time period usually involves overlooking all that person's faults, too).  You date that person, get married, and the first few months are wonderful.  You can't imagine life without that person!  Then a couple of years go by and reality sets in.  That "twidderpated" feeling wears off.  A few more years go by and suddenly you're thinking, "Who is this person I married?!  I don't love him/her anymore."  We think that maybe our spouse wasn't "the one" after all and maybe "the one" is still out there.  Well what REALLY happened is....you were never "in love" in the first place.  Love is so much more than that.  We get unrealistic expectations through movies or books or whatever that being happily married means that everything comes easily, that you never fight or have disagreements, that everyday is blissful.  When really, marriage is HARD. It takes A LOT of work.  A LOT of sacrifice.  A LOT of compromise.  And there are times when you might feel like you don't "love" that person anymore.  But "real" love means being committed to that person despite all those hard times.  It means putting up with all their faults and forgiving them when they make mistakes.  "Real" love is not glamorous.  It's exactly that....REAL. 

The next one is the expectations we have of our spouse.  A lot of the expectations we have of our spouse stem from watching our own parents' relationship.  Imagine a young man who grew up with a mom who always had dinner on the table when his dad got home from work.  Then he married a young woman whose mom worked full-time and didn't make dinner very often, if at all.  Her version of dinner is picking up a pizza on the way home.  You can imagine that there might be some difficulty in this relationship.  Or imagine a young woman who grew up with a father who was a great provider and did well financially.  Then she married a man who struggled financially and kept moving around from job to job.  Naturally the young woman would feel like her husband was not filling his "role" as a husband.  Not only should we not compare the expectations our parents had of each other to the expectations we have of our spouse (although it can be difficult not to), we also need to be realistic of what our spouse can do.  Maybe the young woman in the first example isn't a good cook or doesn't enjoy cooking.  We can't expect her to suddenly be a whiz in the kitchen.  Or maybe with the second couple, the wife can't expect the husband who struggles financially to suddenly become a millionaire.  We need to be realistic about the expectations we have for our spouse.  And we need to make sure they know what those expectations are.  That leads me to the next one.....    

2. Communicate.

I remember the first Valentine's Day after I got married. I was building up in my mind this amazing, romantic evening that my husband was going to plan for me.  The day came, aaaaand.....it didn't happen.  Not only is Valentine's Day my husband's birthday (which makes it a little complicated) but I had unrealistic expectations about what it would be like.  The silly thing about it is, I expected him to be a mind reader!  He didn't know what I wanted.  I've even heard girls say (and I'll admit I've been guilty of this before too), that "he should just know".  Yes, of course it's more romantic when a guy does something we don't expect and we don't have to ask.  But realistically, most guys are just normal guys who love their wives but aren't always savvy when it comes to romance.  I've had to learn over the years that I have to TELL my husband what I want.  And ever since I figured that out he's gotten better and better each year.

The same is especially true of the expectations husbands and wives have of each other when it comes to their roles in the home (as I touched on earlier).  I realized after years of marriage that one of the expectations I had of my husband was to be way more hands-on with chores around the house than what he was actually doing.  I EXPECTED HIM to know this, and after years of him not meeting that expectation, I became resentful.  It seems almost embarrassing now looking back at it.  I was getting mad about something he didn't even know!  Then one day we sat down together and wrote out what our expectations were of each other, and rated them on how important they were to us and the likelihood of our spouse being able to meet that expectation. Then once we knew what those expectations were, we started doing them.  Boy did our marriage improve!  It's amazing how something as simple as communicating improved our marriage exponentially.  

(I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!)

Then the next step is:

3. Be grateful.

We need to learn to be grateful for what we do have, so that we're not disappointed by unmet expectations.  Instead of thinking, "boy, my spouse didn't clean up the house as well as I would have liked him to" (or as well as you would have done it), we should think instead, "wow, I know my husband really hates cleaning and yet he worked really hard on this because he knows it's important to me.  I am so lucky."  It's amazing how that shift in perspective makes such a huge difference.  On my 16th birthday, instead of being disappointed, I should have thought, "my mom went out of her way to take me to get my license today and to send me flowers, and my friends planned this whole party just for me because they care about me....I must be really special."  We should think about what we have as always being BETTER than the alternative, not WORSE.    

Tears

There's nothing better than a good cry!

So Small

The other night I was trying to remember the name of a Carrie Underwood song and ended up spending about an hour listening to a bunch of her songs on you tube.  She is one of my favorite singers and is so talented!  I came across this song that I've heard many times and known for a while but for some reason on this particular night I decided to read the lyrics.  Maybe it was my daughter starting Kindergarten or my baby turning 3 later this week but I've been pretty emotional and this song caused the flood gates to open....

  (Click on the title to listen to the song on you tube)

"So Small"

By Carrie Underwood 

What you got if you ain't got love?

The kind that you just wanna give away

It's okay to open up

Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day

You wanna shut the world out

And just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And when you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside

A problem that seems so big at the time

It's like a river that's so wide

It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change

And worrying about all the wrong things

Time's flying by, moving so fast

You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And then you figure out

Love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else

Oh, it sure makes everything else

Seem so small

This song really has so much meaning to me, especially with some of the struggles I've gone through over the last few months.  {I bolded some of my favorite parts}. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of life and lose sight of what's really important. It's also easy to let things that really aren't that important to get in the way of what is.  I love songs like this that help me to keep that perspective.

Love This

A great reminder!

Peaches

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time when people don't like me.  I am a big people-pleaser.  I'm not really sure why or what it stems from, but I've learned that about myself and it has had a big effect on who I am and my behavior. I have trouble with assertiveness and have been known to let perfect strangers walk all over me because I didn't want to offend them (how silly, huh?). I catch myself saying "sorry" a lot to people even when it's not my fault.  Even if it's the other person's fault.  Isn't that strange?!!  I've mentioned this in a previous post, but I've also seen this come up in my pursuit of becoming counselor (I even had a professor in my counseling program call me out on it during feedback I received after running a group). I have been working on this part of myself lately, striving to love myself for who I am and not to define myself by how others perceive me. I came across this gem below that had a profound effect on me:

It's a great reminder that no matter how hard you try, no matter how wonderful or awesome you may be, you may not be everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay.  You don't have to change who you are to please others.  You are who you are and nobody can change that.  We are all unique and that's what makes us special.  That's what keeps life interesting.  I'm striving to learn that lesson, and to be more confident in who I am as a person.  

Funny little ironic tidbit....my husband hates peaches, lol

Comic Relief: Parenting

A friend of mine shared this on facebook and I thought it was hilarious!  Happy Tuesday!

Facts about PARENTING: 

1. Lower your standards for cleanliness and order.
2. Did that? Lower them even more.
3. Your house will never look like a magazine spread, period. Embrace that.
4. No matter how many baskets you buy to contain toys, they will always be visible. Embrace the Toys ‘R Us/ frat house-chic decor.
5. You can never have too many popsicles in the freezer. How many bad moods have been fixed by a simple popsicle?
6. If you can’t change them, change your perspective. For example I read recently– probably on Satan’s website Pinterest– that toothpaste is great for cleaning things like faucets. So now when I go into the bathroom every day and see toothpaste splatter all over the bathroom faucet I think about how my children have done half the chore of cleaning for me. How considerate of them! Then I wipe it off while cursing.
7. Those chores that no one ever wants to do. Decide if you would rather do it yourself, badger your child to it, or let it go. If you are confused about what to do, see Number 1 on this list.
8. No one cares what is stuffed under your child’s bed, why should you. Unless it is old food. In that case, you should get a dog.
9. If you have boys, your bathroom will always faintly stink like pee. Invest in some Febreeze and count down the days until they move out and you can go visit them and pee on their bathroom floor.
10. Don’t buy white furniture. Unless you enjoy screaming at your children every time they go near it.
11. However bad a situation might seem, one day it will be funny. I have a few for which I am eagerly awaiting for the funny to kick in. Any time now….
12. When your child is a young teen there will be nothing more embarrassing than your very existence. Use this to your advantage. Start planning early.
13. Do not paint any walls in your house with flat paint.
14. Be okay with letting your kids stumble sometimes. Whether that is turning in an assignment late because they didn’t do it or wearing an outfit so hideous you have trouble looking at them without laughing.
15. Noise cancelling headphones are great for blocking out whining, bickering and the endless episodes of Sponge Bob.
16. Socks do not have to match. Every day is Crazy Sock Day at my house, which is infinitely better than Crazy Mom Day.
17. The crayons will break and it is okay to throw them away rather then save them to make some sort of craft that involves the hair dryer. In fact, I give you permission to not feel guilty about all the crafts you know you will never do.
18. Your children will not die from eating the occasional hot dog or frozen pizza. And by occasional I mean more than you are really willing to admit.
19. If your children are driving you crazy arguing with each other, start an argument with them. Then your children will bond over their mutual hatred of you and be quiet.
20. Children do not appreciate top sheets or high thread counts. Buy neither.
21. Homework time is the worst time of the day. Help your kids and yourself by having a designated time and a quiet place to do homework. Preferably in a neighbor’s home.
22. Just say No to ironing.
23. Last, but not least, a glass of wine and some really bad TV makes everything seem a little better.

Found here: https://www.facebook.com/MommyMadeCraftsAndRecipes/posts/427841773996564

Be Real

I recently started reading the blog Single Dad Laughing.  The writer, Dan Pearce, shares his life experiences and insights on a variety of interesting topics, including his failed marriages, fatherhood, religion, etc.  I've been going through and reading his "All Time Top Posts" (there are so many good ones) and I came across one called "The Disease of Perfection".  It pretty much left me in tears.    

He talks about the tendency we have in society to strive for perfection and to portray ourselves as perfect to others when we all know that perfection doesn't exist. The problem with striving for perfection is that when we inevitably fall short we are extremely hard on ourselves.  Sometimes we even give up on trying.  We often have an "all or nothing" attitude about our imperfections.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about some of the issues I personally struggle with, one being the tendency to compare myself to others. I am especially bad at this when it comes to seeing other mom's. I constantly catch myself thinking things like, "Oh she's so perfect, she has the perfect body and her house is always clean and her kids are so well-behaved" and blah blah blah.  Then I look at my own life and how insecure I am about my body and how my house is always a mess and how my kids can be so naughty and frustrating sometimes and how I lose my temper way too much. Then I get depressed and down on myself.  Or I get anxious about needing to lose weight or stress about having a clean house or stay awake at night worrying about my kids and whether or not I am raising them right.  And then I'm miserable.

I think this has gotten even worse with the increased popularity and availability of social networking sites and blogs.  We all put our best foot forward, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it causes us to compare ourselves to one another. It makes us think that everyone else is perfect, when the truth is, no one is. And yet we think we're alone in our struggles. The other problem is how easily we all judge each other without knowing the whole story.  And I will admit, I have been guilty of that too.  But thankfully because of different experiences I have had the last few years, I have developed a lot more empathy and understanding for people who I may have judged previously because now I know what it's like.  And it gave me a big ol' slice of humble pie. The tendency we have to judge each other just makes the quest for perfection even worse because we don't want anyone to judge us. It's a vicious cycle!  

Here is an excerpt from Single Dad Laughing's post:

"We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. 'Perfection' is much different than perfectionism.....'Perfection' is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you’re infected, at least to some degree. The good news is, there is a cure.

Be real.

Embrace that you have weaknesses. Because everyone does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody’s is. Embrace that you have things you can’t control. We all have a list of them."

I've decided that from here on out I'm going to strive to Be Real in my relationships. To be honest with myself and others about my shortcomings, to have a non-judgmental attitude, to STOP comparing myself to others and STOP caring so much about what other people think.  If you are reading this and we are friends, I want you to know that you can be real with me too.  And I won't judge you. If anything, it will probably make us even closer as friends.

I'm also going to remember to.....

There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve and become better.  The key is to remember that perfection doesn't exist and instead we should seek to progress.  To try and be a little bit better everyday. And if at times we fall short, that's okay.  We'll try again tomorrow.  As we strive to be more real in our relationships, I have a feeling that others will start to feel like they can be more real too.  And this can take our relationships to a deeper, more meaningful level.

As a way of striving to be more real in my life, I've decided that I will do a periodic blog post on some of the ways that I am imperfect in my life. Its scary and a little embarrassing to think about, but hopefully it will help me to come to terms more with my own shortcomings, and to realize that it's okay. And hopefully showing a little bit of vulnerability will help you (the three people that read this blog, lol) to feel better about your shortcomings too. For this first post I will share a picture of a very embarrassing part of my house that I try to keep hidden at all costs. No matter how much I try and no matter how many times we move, I always have one of these in my house.  We call it "The Scary Pile".  

It's basically that place where all of the odds-and-ends accumulate.  If you're not sure where to put it, it goes there.  Every so often it gets bad enough that we (my husband or I) go through and clean it out and it's clean for about 3 minutes.  But then it inevitably piles up again. *Sigh*

Here's to keepin' it real!

Change

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

-Neale Donald Walsch

The other night as my husband and I were going to bed, I started thinking about a big milestone that was coming up in a couple of weeks......my daughter (our oldest child) starting Kindergarten.  I started thinking about my little baby all grown up, getting on the bus with her Hello Kitty backpack, going to school with a bunch of kids she doesn't know, trusting her with some teacher I know hardly anything about, not knowing whether kids will be nice to her or if she will make friends or if she will be okay, along with a hundred other worries.  I rolled over on my side away from my husband and quietly started crying.  My husband realized I was crying (probably retracing the last few minutes in his mind to figure out whether he had said/done something to cause it) and we had a good talk about it.

I talked about my concerns and cried while he talked me down and helped me to see that she was going to be okay, that this was an exciting time and that she was going to love it.  I don't doubt that she will....she is very bright and social and I absolutely think she will LOVE school.  But no matter how you slice it, change is hard.  It is uncomfortable and at times, painful.  And at some point, we have to let go.  

(On a side note, my husband brought up to my daughter the next morning how mommy was sad that she was growing up and going off to Kindergarten, and apparently she got this confused look on her face and asked, "Why?"  He explained to her that sometimes mommy's and daddy's get a little sad when they see their kids grow up and she said, "Well THAT'S silly! I have to grow up!" I'm sure one day when she has a child of her own she will understand. :))  

This experience got me thinking about change and why it's so hard.  It's because doing what is familiar feels comfortable, comes naturally, and is easy.  We don't have to think too much about it.  It feels safe.  We can count on it.  Change makes us feel uncertain and vulnerable. With change we often don't know what the future holds, which can be downright scary.  But familiar can also become boring.  Monotonous. If we never change or strive to become better, we're left feeling stagnant.  We have to push ourselves out of our comfort zones every so often, because when we do, something beautiful happens. We become better.  We see things in a new light.  We become better versions of ourselves.

Some changes in life are positive.  I recently lost about 25 lbs, and while the process of losing weight was difficult, it has been an overall positive experience.  I feel better about myself, have more energy, my clothes fit better, etc.  But then there are negative life changes.  Like the loss of a loved one, going through a divorce, the loss of a job. It would be difficult to see these kinds of situations in any kind of positive light.  But I personally believe that regardless of whether it is an unwanted or negative change, these experiences are some of our most poignant opportunities for growth.  That through difficult times, we can develop parts of ourselves that we didn't even know were there, and become stronger for it.
   
Of course too much change isn't necessarily a good thing either (isn't it amazing how the concept of balance applies in so many different situations??).  Too much change in life can be chaotic. We need a certain degree of stability and routine in our lives, and we have to determine that healthy balance for ourselves.  But I think for the most part, we tend to err on the side of avoiding change rather than changing too much.  So for those of us who resist change or have a difficult time letting go, here is a wonderful quote I came across:

So in a couple of short weeks I'm going to put on my big girl pants, get my daughter ready for her first day of school, take pictures of her in her first-day-of-school outfit, see her off to the bus, and then run in the house and bawl my eyes out.  I'll count down the minutes until she comes home, wishing I was a fly on the wall in that classroom.  But then at the end of the day I'll get to see her come off the bus and ask her all about her first day and see the special art project that she made that day.  I get to witness her transformation over the school year, like a flower blossoming.  I get to watch her handwriting improve and her recognize the letters of the alphabet and who knows, maybe even see her read.  We'll get to look back at the end of the year and see how much she has grown.  

And honestly, I don't think my heart will be able to contain the joy and pride I will have for my beautiful, ever-changing daughter.      

Deeply Rooted Issues

My husband and I are approaching the 1 year mark of when we bought our house (hooray!).  I like to think that buying a fixer-upper house is like having another child.  It seriously feels like that sometimes.  I'm really proud of the work we've done on it but boy is it a lot of work!

Anyway....when we first bought our house there was a GINORMOUS tree in the backyard. I'm all for trees and shade and all the jazz but this tree was seriously toxic.  It had made a huge mess of the backyard.  The roots to this thing literally went the whole length of the backyard, so 40-50 feet long.  The roots were lifting up the cement to our carport, made it almost impossible to open the gate, and messed up the stairs to the deck. One of the roots even put a crack in the foundation!

(The pictures don't really give it justice)

So one of the first things we did when we bought the house is hired a company to come cut the tree down. That thing was a beast.  The guy who cut it down even said that he "under bid" us and that it was way harder than he expected.  About $3,500 dollars later (ouch) they had cut down the tree.  That also included grinding down the roots and leaving a mountain of mulch in it's wake (P.S. we have free mulch if anyone wants it....I'm totally serious).  We even had to use a jackhammer to break up some of the concrete so that the tree company could get to the roots.  Since then we've been trying to fix up the backyard (a slow, grueling process) and working to get the dirt ready to plant grass seed. This has required cleaning up a lot of junky stuff, tilling the dirt, etc.

(The tree company cutting it down last fall....it took about 3 days)

(This is just one little section of the tree!)

(What the roots looked like UNDER the concrete)

(This is the stump before they ground it down....you can see how long and deep the roots are!)

Just the other day my husband went out with some kind of pick-looking tool (not sure what it's called) and worked on tilling the dirt.  As he got started he realized that there are still more roots in the ground from that devil tree that we didn't see before.  He spent a lot of the morning digging the roots out so that we can get it prepared for grass.

(I really wish I could use a time machine and go back 30 years to tell the homeowners to cut down the tree now before it gets out of control!).

(Love my son's little hand poking out at the bottom, haha)

So here's the point of my post (I'm getting there, I promise):

As I stood on our back deck looking at the yard at the roots my husband had recently dug out, it got me thinking about counseling (my brain tends to automatically go there for some reason).  I was thinking about how roots are similar to psychological and emotional issues. That's why you sometimes hear people refer to them at "deeply-rooted" issues.  Most of our "issues" are buried under the surface, and sometimes we don't even know they are there, or at least we're not super aware of them.  For some of us those issues are small and with a little bit of work we can get them to the surface.  For others those issues are large and deeply-rooted, similar to our tree.  It's difficult to get them to the surface and unless we get them taken care of they can do a lot of damage. But I've realized that in order to become "healthy" again, and to allow good things (like grass) to grow, we have to get those buried issues up to the surface.  And sometimes it's A LOT of work.  And it's a long, slow process.  But as we get those issues out, we allow for something beautiful to take it's place.

(Insert "After" picture of beautiful backyard.....maybe next year *sigh*).    

Parenting is like, really hard

(LOL)

I came across THIS blog post from the blog "Short Stop" that I absolutely love.  Please take the time to read it, especially if you are a parent to young children.  Seriously, I'll wait for you to read it.  Go ahead....:)


Read it?  Okay good.


She pretty much validated a lot of the feelings I have been having lately about motherhood. I have two children, ages 5 and 2 (and three-fourths.....turning 3 next month), and to be completely honest I feel pretty overwhelmed most of the time.  I lose my temper too much, run out of patience by about 4 o'clock everyday, and sometimes just want to cry out of exhaustion and frustration.  Now this does NOT mean that I don't love my kids with all of my heart or regret having kids.  Because I would not change this for the world. They bring me more joy than I ever could have imagined.  And I do want more kids (eventually).  I also realize there are plenty of people out there who can't have children, so I don't want to come across as ungrateful for the chance I do have to be a mother.  But parenting is HARD sometimes.  Actually not sometimes, most of the the time.  

After I gave birth to my second I had a hard time adjusting. My daughter was 2 and-a-half, which is a pretty good span between kids, but she was still in diapers for a few months and although she is a pretty good child it was still difficult. My son was born in September right at the beginning of cold and flu season.  And he got sick A LOT.  Like he seriously had either a cold or some kind of stomach virus from October through May.  He slept in his swing for weeks at a time because he was too congested.  He was also a pretty colicky baby and did the "purple crying thing" for 2-3 hours every night for a couple of months.  As he's gotten older certain things have gotten easier but then we traded for new challenges. I've had numerous people tell me that he is the busiest kid they have ever seen (and I have to agree).  He has since been my child that has been to the ER (at 5 months old....very traumatic), almost drowned (twice), gotten lost at Sea World, locked me out of the house, covers himself in diaper rash cream (whilst I am locked out of the house), almost been hit by a car, has been found on TOP of the car, colored on walls, threw toys in the toilet, climbs on EVERYTHING, likes to hit, bite, pinch, scratch, slap and pretty much any other form of aggression that you can think of, etc etc etc. There are times where I can't even IMAGINE having another one.  And then I start comparing myself to other mom's who have 3, 4, 5+ kids and think, "I should be doing a better job because these other mom's who have more kids than me seem to have it all together" or "I must not be a good mom since I can't seem to handle 'just two' kids".  I think I even had a bit of an identity crisis after I had my second because all I've ever wanted to be is a mom and yet I couldn't seem to handle it so maybe I'm not cut out for it.  I even went back to graduate school thinking maybe I'd be better off as a working mom (there were other reasons why I decided to go back to school, but that was part of it).  As my second has gotten older I have started feeling the pressure to have another one, mostly because of the culture around where we live (predominantly LDS, people have lots of kids, etc).  But I've started to come to terms with the fact that I am a unique person, that just because I don't have my kids every two-and-a-half years and enjoy every second of it that I'm not a bad mom.  And that I don't have to feel pressured to have all my kids by the time I turn 30.  And this blog post hit the nail on the head.    

I especially loved this part:

"You will find your way. Your way. Not your Mom's way. Not Granny's way. Not pushy Aunt Bertie's way. 

Your way. What worked for your mom, Granny, and Aunt Bertie may simply not work for you. I LOVE hearing the wisdom and experiences from the older women in my life, but I HAVE to sift through their advice and experiences and choices to find what really helps me and what doesn't. Not only are children all different, but mothers are different. We tick and tock to different beats - some of us slower and some on hyperspeed, some on schedules and some just wingin' it. (I'm the latter, Lord help me.) As you get to know your children and build your home life, you will find what works for you. You will. And, letting go of the expectations of others is a BIG part of that. Pull what works for you. Respectfully let go of the rest."      

I realized that I need to STOP COMPARING myself to other mom's.  That I am a unique individual and that even though I don't know what the H-E-double hockey sticks I'm doing most of the time, I am still a GOOD MOM.

Thank you "Short Stop" for helping me to see that.

Burnout

Last semester I took a class called Crisis, Disaster, & Trauma.  I've mentioned this before, but my program has a strong emphasis on wellness and self-care because counseling is such a high burnout profession.  That is especially the case for counselors who specialize in trauma therapy.  For one of our modules the professor posted a document called "Burn Out Club Rules & Regulations" that I wanted to share on here (I thought it was pretty clever):

Burnout Club

Rules & Regulations

1. Be a perfectionist; never accept anything less than perfection.

2. Work at least ten hours a day; work as many holidays as possible.

3. Adhere to a diet of “fast foods” and candy bars.

4. Adhere to inflexible idealism.

5. Assume the responsibility for solving the problems of all your friends, family, and 

co-workers.

6. Never delegate any responsibility.

7. Never say “NO”; try to please all of the people all of the time.

8. Never waste time relaxing.

9. Never exercise.

10. Never take any time off for yourself; if you are ever forced to do, feel as guilty as 

possible about it.

11. You must remember that everyone else comes first; your needs come last.

12. Above ALL, get emotionally involved in everything you do. Learn to empathize 

in all aspects of your life.

(Source: Everly, G.S., Jr. (1991). The role of the critical incident stress debriefing (CISD) process in disaster relief. Paper presented at the ACISF Peer Counseling Workshop, Denver, CO.)

Isn't that great?  It seems almost silly and obvious when you read through it and yet we do this to ourselves!!  I think the items mentioned above also tend to be personality traits of people who struggle with anxiety (see my previous blog post on anxiety here).  I thought it was interesting how many of these coincided with my "B-A-L-A-N-C-E" mnemonic device I came up with a few months ago (see side bar ------->).  I believe when I came up with BALANCE and started on this quest, I was experiencing burnout.

Why do we do this to ourselves??  This is something I've been exploring in myself lately. For me personally, I think my tendency to want to do-all and be-all stems from two different things.  The first one is a need for control.  I find myself getting anxious when I don't have control over my surroundings. I believe that people who need to exercise control have oftentimes had experiences in their lives where they didn't have control, so being a "control freak" is their way of coping with life and keeping that from happening again.  The second factor that contributes to my own tendency for burnout is an underlying desire to have people like me and to be a people-pleaser.  The thought of someone not liking me or being disappointed in me is almost unbearable. This is something I have come to discover about myself during my process of becoming a counselor.  As counselors there are times when we have to gently confront the people we work with on their "stuff".  I have found this part of counseling very difficult, and it is because of my own personal issue with being afraid of people not liking me.  I realize now that holding this back can be a disservice to the individuals I work with in counseling, as they often need counselors to help them see parts of themselves that they don't see.  This is something that I'm working on.  

I think what it comes down to, at least for me, is that I need to be okay with who I am.  I can't let other's opinions or perceptions of me define who I am.  I need to be okay with the fact that I can say "NO" once in a while, or admit that I can't handle everything that I would like to handle, and that even if someone is disappointed in me because of it, or thinks less of me, that I will STILL BE OKAY with who I am.  

So what are some ways to prevent burnout?

    

(Came across this image in my research for this post and laughed out loud for several minutes!!)

I think this is a good place to implement "BALANCE": 

Be kind to yourself: Take some time for yourself.  Pamper yourself.   Get a massage.  Go for a walk.  Take a nice long bubble bath.  Read a book (and NOT a textbook or work-related material....something you actually want to read).  Go on a vacation. Meditate. Call a friend to catch up.  Take a nap (probably best not to do this at work though, haha).  Utilize those *healthy* coping skills!  

Allow others to help: Recognize your limitations, and don't be ashamed to ask for help or allow others to help. Delegate some of your responsibility.  Also recognize that during stressful times there might be a tendency to withdraw from family and friends because you are too busy, but this is actually the time that you need them the MOST.  Seek out their support.  

Learn to say "No": There is nothing wrong with saying "no".  You are not weak or inadequate for doing so.  Take back control of your life.

Adjust your perspective: Don't compare yourself to other people.  Everyone is different and has different experiences and circumstances. Recognize your own strengths (and weaknesses), and don't compare your weaknesses with someone else's strengths.  

Nobody's perfect: You are not perfect, and neither is anyone else.  Don't expect perfection from yourself or others.  Cut yourself some slack.

Cut out the insignificant stuff: Recognize that there are a lot of things in life that distract us from what is really important.  While they might not be bad, they may not be essential, at least at this phase in life.  Cut out or limit the things that really aren't THAT important, so you have time to focus on the important, meaningful stuff. 

Embrace the important stuff: Practice the concept of "working to live", not "living to work". Take some time to explore what your priorities should be, and then manage your time accordingly.  When all is said and done, its our relationships with family and friends that are the most important. 

Let's all strive to be healthy and balanced, and I will reiterate the charge to LIVE DAMN YOU. LIVE!!

Mindfulness

Have you ever driven somewhere and when you got there you don't remember how you got there?  I do this quite often (especially when I drive home in the mornings from a night shift....scary thought, huh?).  Our lives are so busy and we're constantly distracted by this, that and the other. I've been doing research on mindfulness, which is the concept of striving towards self-awareness and being in the moment.  Mindfulness stems from the Buddhist practice of meditation, and is meant to be part of the process of calming oneself and finding peace.  I was first introduced to mindfulness, interestingly enough, in my Addictions class.  We were required to obtain and read the book Taking the Leap by Pema Chodron, a famous Buddhist and renowned author.  During that semester we were also required to practice regular meditation and discuss the process with our class members. Mindfulness is used as a therapeutic tool in treating a variety of different ailments, including anxiety, depression, addiction, and eating disorders.  It can be applied to all different parts of our lives, from improving our minds, body's, relationships, home life, work, etc.  Practicing mindfulness has personally helped me to keep a better perspective on life in general.

Being mindful is being aware of where you are in the present, enjoying the present moment, and not worrying too much about what comes next.  I think this takes practice and work.  I have always been a planner for as long as I can remember.  I like to know what is coming next, what my plans are that day, tomorrow, next week, and in five years.  I like to make lists of what I need to get done and I feel "accomplished" when I cross things off my list.  I guess it's my way of coping with life.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is if you never enjoy where you are at in the moment.

Something I have been trying to do lately is to be more mindful of my emotions.  If a situation comes up where I have a negative emotional reaction to something, whether it's anger, sadness, frustration, etc, I try to stop and think, "WHY am I having this reaction?  What is it about this situation that is triggering this response in me?"  I think we have the tendency, especially in our relationships, to blame the other person for an emotional reaction we have.  I constantly catch myself saying "You made me feel ___________ when you said/did this" when really, no one can MAKE us feel anything.  It's our decision how we react to something.  Instead I've tried to think, "what is it about ME that is causing me to have this reaction?"  Trying to adjust my thinking in this regard has really helped me to learn a lot more about myself and address some of my own personal issues.  I think mindfulness plays a huge part in this.  In Pema Chodron's book, she actually encourages readers to "lean in" to the discomfort of whatever it is we are experiencing instead of avoiding it or blaming it on outside sources, and to stay with it.

 I loved this quote from the book (p. 55):

"The next time you lose heart and you can't bear to experience what you're feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in.  Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weaknesses, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves.  This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering - yours, mine, and that of all living beings."

(Pema Chodron, Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears)

(Love this)
   

I really want to start incorporating more mindfulness in to my daily life.  This whole process of mindfulness and learning to live in the moment is just that....a process.  With time and practice it will come a little bit easier. In the meantime I am going to strive to be more present, to really see my children more, and to be more aware.  I'm learning to just shut my brain off, to stop over-thinking things, and to just BE.  I think practicing mindfulness will really help me in my quest for finding balance in life.

Here's a few good websites I came across on mindfulness in case you are interested in learning more:          

http://www.mindful.org/about-mindful/welcome-to-mindful-magazine-and-mindful-org?gclid=CK660t2Y4rgCFalAMgodKy8Adg

http://www.mindfulness.com/

http://mindfulbalance.org/tag/pema-chodron/